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To Whoever Might See Me Cry in the Morning

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Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

Dear whoever might see me cry in the morning,

If you see me wake up and burst into tears out of the blue, don’t be quick to make assumptions and judge me. Please don’t freak out either. I’m not having a panic attack, my panic attacks don’t hit me like that.

I wake up and very often my vision is immediately blurred by tears because I am in pain. Psychical pain. Mornings are when I’m at my
weakest and more often than not, depression
and anxiety get the best of me.

I cry because I wake up and I am still tired. So, so tired. I am just as tired as I was when I went to bed last night.

I cry because I wake up and nothing has changed. My demons are still present. The voices in my head are still loud.

I cry because I wake up and I have to face another day of fake smiles, laughter and interactions with people who have no idea I’m struggling.

I cry because I wake up and I still don’t know how to love myself, how to accept the way I look, how to embrace all my quirks and flaws.

I cry because I wake up and have to think of a reason to get out of bed. To me, everything feels pointless. I finish my tasks and try to push forward only so I don’t disappoint the people around me. I don’t want them to see me in pain. I don’t want them to worry.

I cry because I wake up and feel utterly alone, although my sister is sleeping only a few meters away from me. I feel like there’s a huge black hole of emptiness in my chest that won’t ever go away.

I cry because I wake up and can’t endure the pain that comes from the thought of doing this forever. I picture myself in five, 10 or 20 years, still struggling to do something that seems to come naturally to other people – to find a reason to get out of bed. I am scared this will never change.

I cry because I wake up and the blissful experience of not feeling anything and being at peace is over. The reality kicks in and I don’t know how much longer I will be able to fight.

I cry because I wake up and I wish I didn’t. I wish I could simply sleep until my problems are solved. I wish I could sleep until
depression and anxiety are gone.

Mornings are tough. I know an hour after I wake up I will be feeling much more in control of my emotions, but that doesn’t help my overall struggle. I can only hope better days are yet to come.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via goodwin_x.

Originally published: April 21, 2017
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