What My Daughter's First Sleepover Made Me Realize About My Depression

Last night, my daughter had her first sleepover at our new house. We’ve never hosted before, so it was a big deal. I’m not going to lie, I was scared. I wanted it to go well for Isla’s sake (and mine). I don’t know the two girls that well (thanks, COVID) but their moms are very nice, and I want to get to know them better. I know it’s silly — and these particular moms aren’t judgmental at all — but I wanted to prove to myself that I could manage a fun sleepover, despite my depression and other mental disorders. That I’m a fun mom, a responsible one. So, it was important for me to put on a good show.

And a good show it was. We swam, ate snow cones, got in the hot tub, did facials, had a charcuterie snack board and a dance party. The last was my favorite. I started playing my music, but one of the girls requested “Fight Song,” which I didn’t have. No problem — I downloaded it and they began to sing, dance and flex their muscles. While they were singing at the top of their lungs and dancing around, tears came to my eyes. They were so happy and carefree. So strong for being only 6 years old. Then I started listening to the words to the song and wondered why I’d never downloaded it before. It resonated with me, and I was proud that my daughter somehow knew the words. I should learn them. I should be more like these 6-year-olds, screaming and dancing around without a worry in sight, because my mental illness doesn’t define me. Why was I so wrapped up in the idea that this sleepover had to be perfect just because I have depression? Silly. Despite what I go through, I’m still a responsible, fun, kind, loving person. People respect me, so maybe I should do the same. Those kids had a blast, and so did I. I need to remember that all that hardship I endure is worth it to see moments like these in my kids’ lives. This is what it’s all about, and I refuse to worry that I’m not up to snuff anymore. All this is my fight song. My anthem is written all over the faces of my kids, husband, in my blog, and it’s one song that I have memorized. And it’s a beautiful one. I have to remember that it’s OK that I’m a little broken — we’re all a little broken; that’s how the light gets in.

Fight Song, by Rachel Platten:

“This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I’m alright song

My power’s turned on

Starting right now I’ll be strong

I’ll play my fight song

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes

‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me”