Grieving Doesn’t Mean I’m Having a Depressive Episode

Well, it happened. I recently lost a beloved family member (to COVID-19 nonetheless). It has only been a few days, but what I have found is when I am not overwhelmed with sadness, I am struck with an almost worse numbness.

I struggle with severe depression much of the time and the worst of that as well is the numbness. The inability to move, think or function. The feeling like you’re just kind of floating in your own head with no way out. Here is what I am coming to discover, though. Just because the numbness I feel is reminiscent of my mental illness symptoms does not mean I am having another depressive episode.

When you have depression, sometimes you can start to think you are never allowed to feel those negative emotions without being in an episode. But with grief and loss, things are different.

I am allowed to be sad and not be depressed. I can be numb and not be depressed. I can feel any of the many emotions associated with my grief, and not be in a depressive episode.

So, if you are like me and are dealing with a major loss while also trying to manage your mental illness, give yourself a break. You get to feel however you feel without having to worry about your mood disorder or other mental health condition.

You are allowed to just be. Just be sad. Just be numb. Just be angry. Just be whatever you are in your grief and get through it. Your grief is valid. It does not mean you need to change your meds or go to the hospital. You can feel without something being “wrong” with you.

Grief is a process, whether you have a mental illness or not. Now, it could become more complicated to get through it when you struggle with mental illness. This is true. But that is why we have counselors and psychiatrists on our teams to help manage things. They will help keep you on track and will watch for signs of trouble. All you  need to focus on is managing and feeling your grief. Let the professionals take care of the rest.

If you are also going through loss right now, I am deeply sorry for your loss. But remember, sadness and even numbness aren’t “bad” emotions. It is natural and you are allowed to be sad or numb just like everyone else, mental illness or not.