To the Person I Hurt When My Depression Left Me Feeling Helpless
To my mentor, supporter, second family,
You were there for me for the worst. You saw me when I was hurting, when I was shattered in a thousand pieces, and you helped put my life back together.
You supported me when I was isolated from my family, when I didn’t have friends, and I put so much on my shoulders that my world started crumbling. You opened your family to me, let me get to know your loved ones, and everyone accepted me, flaws and all. I took it in, I was overwhelmed. I let you in and took it too far.
I know I was wrong in how I used social media. I know I was wrong to tie you into that social media use. I understand why you had to set those boundaries. However, I carry a lot of shame around my actions and I don’t ever think I expressed that to you.
I wish I could sit down with you and tell you how sorry I am for abusing your trust. I wish I could say to you that I never intended to hurt with my actions. I never intended to make you feel like I was crying out for help to solely get your attention, because you could not help me at a second’s notice. I never intended that. I didn’t know how drastic my actions had become on social media and that was me being naïve. I did not understand social media and I felt the consequences of my actions.
I feel as if things never recovered. You never regained the trust in me you had in the beginning. I feel like you see me in a different light, and that hurts. I have changed and I don’t think I was given a chance to show that change. Yes, I did move across the country so distance did factor into the relationship. Yet, I feel like I kept putting in the effort and it wasn’t reciprocated. I sent gifts and texts and letters and cards, often to no response or acknowledgement of receipt. Even now, I put forth an effort and it feels like it falls on deaf ears.
I know I made mistakes — I’m not perfect and in my struggle, I didn’t know what else to do or who to turn to. Yet, I don’t know, it feels like I’ve lost somebody important from my life, especially as time goes on. It doesn’t feel like it will ever be the same anymore and that makes me sad. It hurts.
You were like family. You were the first person to accept me as me. And now, it feels like we have gone our separate ways. Were you just meant to be a season in my life? Or was this meant to last longer?
You have supported me from afar and I appreciate it. I guess it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. Things are said and they turn into empty promises. I don’t know where things stand anymore. I guess, even through all the pain and hurt and frustration I caused you, I got lost in the mix. I hope you can look past what happened and see I am growing, I am changing, and I am stronger. I wish you could trust me like you did before.
And not having that trust hurts.
It feels like I lost my family.
Wishing for old times and missing you,
Getty image by imtmphoto