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Walking the Tightrope of Anxiety and Depression

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I open my eyes to see it’s time to get up.

My heart starts pounding, and I instantly dread the day ahead. The automatic thought of, “I can’t do this” plays over and over again in my mind. I wish  could stay in bed and not go to school.

Then the internal discussion begins. If I don’t go to class I don’t have to deal with the day, but I’ll fall a day behind, I’ll have to endure the judgment of co-workers, and it’ll inevitably end in disaster.

As always, I get up despite the voice in my head yelling at me that I can’t do it, that I won’t make it and that I should end my life. I go to class, I go on with my life, desperately trying to push past the racing thoughts of everything that could go wrong, the constant thoughts telling me I’d be better off dead or that I should at least hurt myself, because after all, I don’t deserve happiness.

The only reason I can push past those thoughts is the anxiety of what would happen if I didn’t. I’m constantly walking on a tightrope, trying to find the right balance between the anxiety and the depression without falling. I keep going because it’s the only thing I know how to do. I keep going because I’m scared of what will happen if I don’t.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

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Thinkstock photo by kasto80

Originally published: December 17, 2016
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