To the Husband Who Wants a Reason for Why I'm Depressed

Dear husband,

Please understand I do love you, so much. I do appreciate the things you do for me. I do love curling up with you at night and watching our scary movies. I do enjoy date night and going out, but this doesn’t mean my depression won’t get in the way sometimes.

I hear you when you say, “Why can’t you just be with me?” I wish I could turn it all off, and just be happy. Alas, that is not how this works. I hear you when you ask, “Why are you upset?” I cannot give an answer, and it breaks my heart.

Try to understand my depression does not come with an alarm, telling me when it will hit. It does not come with a switch I can turn off when I want to go have fun. It is not a choice, and there is no reason. It just is. This is a hard pill to swallow, but husband, I have had to swallow this pill since I was 9. I feel every day as if I have survived a Dementor attack, and there isn’t enough chocolate in the world to help me feel better.

Husband, please try to imagine feeling how I do. Imagine no matter what you did or who you were with, you couldn’t be happy for more than a few minutes at a time. Please, don’t think you’re not good enough to make me happy. It’s not you, and it’s not me. It just is.

You are my world. I love you to the moon and back, but even you can’t fix this. I’m sorry. I know this is hard to hear, but you can’t. I have a medical condition that needs fixing. Doctors have deemed this depression “treatment resistant.” It’s not you.

I love you husband. Please, understand.

Your wife.

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