The Blunt Truth of How Depression Makes Me Feel

Depression, at its worst, makes me feel any and all of these things:

Numb.
Empty.
Cold.
Distant.
Black; my insides are just black.
Raw.
Devastated by life, and by nothing in particular.
Despair; nothing will ever be right again.
Dystopic.
Overwhelmed by life, by everything.
Frustrated at myself and depression.
Guilty, for all the people I push away, and the times I’ve acted badly because of this mental illness.
Sick.
Hurt.

Depression tells me I am:

Disgusting.
Gross.
Horrible.
Ugly.
Rude.
Nasty.
Vile.
Selfish.
Cruel.
Fat.
Hideous.
Awful.
A pig.
The worst person in the word.
A bad friend.
Not worth anything.
Unloved.
Unlovable.

Depression tells me this will never change and this is how it is and will be forever.

Today I am believing it, while the other side of me knows it’s just depression talking. So, I’m on the sofa, watching TV, writing this to get it out. I’m safe and comfy but I feel I don’t deserve this. I feel I deserve to be hurt and struggling.

Today, depression has won, but that is OK. In a bit, I’m going to try some self-care, because I am worth it even on these dark days and so are you.

I’m posting this because it helps me to write and get it “out there.” If someone else reads it and it eases the weight on them, even the tiniest bit, to know someone else feels this way too then that makes it worth it. Comment or message if that is the case; I’d love to know if this blunt truth is helpful in any way.

Follow this journey on the author’s blog.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

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Photo by Ben Blennerhassett on Unsplash