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The Voice of Depression

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I’m the one creeping into your bones, making them hurt so you’re sore in the mornings and more so by days end. Some mornings, you wake up and immediately think of me because you can feel me everywhere, in every muscle, joint and lurking behind your eyes.

There are days where leaving your bed may seem like a most difficult feat. You are inclined to fall deeper into the pillows, put the covers up to your chin or even over your face to block out the sun. You know I’ll stay right beside you to keep you company. Every time you try to pull yourself to your feet, I will be there like an enamored lover, doing my best to pull you down and back into my embrace.

I’m the one who tells you things are out of control, and you can’t handle your everyday life any longer. I tell you that all you do is for nothing because it’s never enough. It’s never good enough. I let you know I am here agreeing with you that you can’t get everything done. I’ll let the mountain of responsibility fall on top of both of us, and under the rubble, I’ll lie with you. I’ll tell you there is just no point in trying to dig ourselves to the surface because the load is too thick and heavy to budge, better to suffocate together.

I’m the one who knows you best. I know when those times of year come around you when you are most vulnerable. I creep into your head and agree with you that now is a time for sadness. Now is a time to question what the point of everything is.

I’ll say, “Don’t you see? You keep trying to move forward, but it’s madness. Better to just accept it, and live in the thick fog with me. We belong together.” You will begin to believe the world is a doomed place. You will start lose your faith in life.

I’ll talk to you about how your child will be better off without you. After all, you don’t want her to become like you do you? It’s only a matter of time before she starts to notice the moments when mommy shuts down, when mommy isn’t her normal, loving self. She doesn’t need that in her life, and you know you aren’t strong enough to hide it forever.

I’ll tell you that you need to leave your husband. He works hard enough to support his family, but you are nothing but an additional burden. I’ll make you realize that you tricked him into thinking he married the right woman, but you are far from “right.” Who he thought he was marrying and making the mother of his child was a dream, a dream of what you hoped to be but not what you can be. I’ll do my best to convince you. I’m very persuasive.

You will hide in your dark closet with the lights out and try to shut off my voice and block out my touch. Yet, I love the darkness, and with you I’ll stay. You may try to starve me out, sleep me away, but you will only become weaker. You will try to mask me with makeup, false smiles and forced laughter, but I’ll be right below the surface. You will still feel me there.

I know you will try to talk about me finally or try to medicate me, and you may prove successful. You make shake me off, but I’m OK with taking a break because I know I can always return. I know what makes you tick. I know where your weaknesses are, and when I see an opening, I’ll sink in my fangs like the vampire I am and do my best to suck out your soul.

You want me to leave you alone, but we’ve been friends for so long. There have been many periods of separation, but I’m always here waiting to welcome you back. You always try to resist. You may grow stronger, but I’m going to remind you that you are no match for me. I will find a way back in, even if for a few brief moments. You will remember I’m a part of you.

Hide from me all you want, but you know I will find you. Battle me with every strength you have, and I will fight right back for my place in your world. I promise you are no match for me. Submit my friend. Wave the white flag and surrender because I’ll duel with you for the rest of this life.

I can tell you have much to think over, and you don’t want me near you right now. I’ll back off, for a bit, and let you have your space. I don’t consider this a loss, just a squabble which I’m letting you feel as if you’ve won. For now, take care my friend, I’ll be seeing you again.

Your Inner Demon

Image via Thinkstock.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

Originally published: September 21, 2016
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