What Depression Really Means and One Thing It Doesn’t

Depression is having a great time at the zoo with your godson in the morning, then driving around for hours at night because you’re afraid to go home and be alone.

It’s failing a class in a program you love because you can’t make yourself get out of bed to do the work but then telling everyone you’re doing fine because you’re embarrassed to admit you are doing so poorly.

It’s laughing and cracking jokes with your co-workers so they don’t ask how you’re doing because if they knew the truth it would probably scare them.

It’s making plans with your friends to do things you used to love only to cancel the night of, saying you don’t feel good or have other things to do, yet knowing you will just go home and sleep so you don’t have to be awake with your thoughts.

It’s the: “Good. And you?” to someone’s “How are you doing?” when the real answer is “Not good at all.”

It’s feeling numb during the day just to make it through, only to come home and cry yourself to sleep and not always know why.

It’s feeling worthless even when you have people who tell you they love you because you always think it’s a lie.

It’s cutting almost everyone out of your life because it’s hard to let someone down if there’s no one to let down.

It’s wondering if you will ever feel “normal” again without your medicine.

It’s politely smiling as yet another person tells you that you should stop taking the medicine because you should “just be happy” or that you “have nothing to be upset about” because you’ve already tried to come off them several times and found yourself lying on the bathroom floor waiting for it all to end.

It’s going to work and going straight home because you don’t have the energy and strength to do anything or be around anyone anymore.

It’s ignoring calls and texts because you just don’t feel like talking to anyone.

It’s the feeling of not wanting to be alive but not wanting to die either.

Depression isn’t just being sad.

This song from artist NF is a perfect description of how it feels.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “HOME” to 741741.

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Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash