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When Depression Made Me Feel Like I Was Just Existing

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Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

I’ve lived with depression for a while now. I was first diagnosed around the age of 10, and since then many things have contributed to the feelings I have, but it wasn’t until recently that I hit a sort of breaking point.

Five years ago, I moved to a small town in southern Nevada and since then my life has slowly felt like it’s losing its meaning. Only very recently did my depression hit its lowest point and ironically it was when I was finally doing stuff that was good for my life.

It started with getting a job, my first one at that. When the year mark came up on that milestone, I found the courage to move out on my own. A month into doing that and I decided to start dating again.

The second date I went on, the guy was seemingly perfect. He was just what I wanted, only he wasn’t what I needed. After a literal month of my depression using my loneliness against me and causing me to ruin that, I hit the lowest of the lows.

Then came the attempted suicide. At this point, I felt done with everything. I felt like I was never gonna be good enough and that my mental illness made me impossible and unlovable. So I thought ending it would be the best option.

I spent a week in the hospital. That week was the scariest most educational week of my life. I learned I’m not the only one who goes through this on a day to day — that some people check themselves in just to get away.

When I left, I had a different perspective of my mental illness but it wasn’t enough to change it. A few days went by and things in my “normal life” seemed to get worse. I still had no desire to live, but I wasn’t suicidal. I just went through days, going through the motions. Some days I even missed work because I couldn’t stop crying long enough to get through the day without someone being suspicious.

And then Mr. Not-so-perfect made me see something. He told me that while my life may suck, I’m still here for a reason. I have a purpose. While I may not know what that is yet, I still found it easier to make doable goals.

It’s that thought which helped me get through my latest episode. I was down and out, feeling like a burden and wanting it all to end, and then his words came to me. With the help of a very good friend, I felt better.

Yes, my life may not be perfect right now, but it won’t always be this way. I have something to live for. I’m here for a purpose. I may not know what that is yet but I just have to keep moving. I have to make small goals that make me feel like I’m accomplishing something. I just have to remember that I wasn’t created to simply exist. No one was.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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Thinkstock photo via BruceStanfield

Originally published: June 6, 2017
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