On Days When Depression Is 'Winning'

Today was sh*tty. Yesterday was especially awful so I went to sleep feeling hopeful that today was going to be better. Nope. Today I feel physically ill. I’m clammy, nauseous, dizzy, achy. My muscles feel fatigued, but I’ve done nothing. Breathing seems like the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know why I feel so bad. I’m sick of this.

Six months ago, I was jumping out of bed at 4 a.m. for my 90-minute hot yoga class. I had energy and felt positive about myself and life in general. I even completed a 30-day challenge — 30 consecutive days of hot yoga — my first time completing anything on my own, for myself, ever. What the hell happened? This is the question I ask myself over and over.

In six months, I’ve stopped yoga, gained 30 pounds and fallen into what I feel is the deepest, darkest depression I’ve ever experienced. I’m no stranger to depression. I’ve battled it several times throughout the years, but this time is worse. I’m tired of everything. Simply being alive exhausts me.

I’m frustrated that I can’t control how I feel. I can’t snap out of it and just move on. It’s terrifying to feel disappointment when you wake up in the morning and realize you have to be alive yet another day. The guilt I feel for feeling this way is even worse. I know I “should” feel lucky and blessed I am alive. I have so many reasons to be happy with my life. Yet I’m stuck in this black hole.

I “should” be able to wake up and take a shower and take care of the kids. I “should” be able to do laundry and grocery shop and clean the house. I “should” be able to eat right and exercise and lose weight.

I know I “should” be able to do these things. I wish I could tell you or show you why I can’t do any of it. I pray daily this depression loosens its grip just enough to get the necessities done. I pray God will help me find my way out of this void.

I know I’m at my worst right now, both physically and mentally. I’m unable to care for myself or my family the way I feel I should. The way I want to. I know I can be hard to love. I feel unattractive and not myself, and this makes me feel even more vulnerable and worthless. I question why anyone would want to be around me, much less be with me, when I have absolutely nothing to offer.

Medication seems to make things worse. I gain more weight, which is even more depressing. Or I get more anxious and hostile. Or I’ll feel absolutely nothing at all.

Every day, I am simply trying to get through the day without having a total meltdown. Sometimes I feel I can’t keep my eyes open. Sometimes I just want to drive away and never look back. Sometimes I want to scream bloody murder and tell the world to f*ck off. I want to be alone. Sometimes I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I feel more guilt than I can ever convey for not being the wife and mother and daughter and friend I want to be. I do want to be better. I know there was a point where I was holding up my end of the deal in relationships. In life.

It’s such a strange juxtaposition to simultaneously dread waking up in the morning and also hope tomorrow is a better day.

How do I reconcile those feelings?

I want and hope to feel better, even just a little bit. I want to be the mom I once was. I want to be a wife to my husband again. I want to feel like a human being and see a future, set goals, accomplish things again. I don’t want to miss out on all the amazing things life has to offer because depression has kidnapped me.

Even through the darkness, I feel small glimmers of hope. Tomorrow could be a better day.

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