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Why I Don't Regret Having PTSD, OCD and Depression in My Life

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Dear PTSD, OCD and Depression:

I’ve known you all for a long time, even when I didn’t understand you.

• What is PTSD?

I knew you were there for me, just not in the way a friend would have been.

I learned to ignore all three of you with the help of alcohol.

For many years I thought I was just drinking to have fun. In reality I was drinking to forget and cope with the evil roots you’d planted in me.

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), you were a tough one to learn to face. Since I was a kid, I let you get into my head and dictate my life. I had many sleepless nights because of you, and I learned to surrender to your thoughts. In a way, you made me feel like I didn’t deserve to live.

Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), I know I used to make fun of the fact that I couldn’t function without you, and in a way, that’s how it was. But you also allowed me to have some control of the things PSTD wouldn’t allow me to control. So I don’t really dislike you all that much. I just wish you hadn’t been so persistent.

Depression, you were always there, almost dormant. You invited yourself to be a part of my life a few years after I’d stopped drinking. You brought so much pain; I almost let you take my life to void those feelings.

Despite the suffering and the pain you three imposed on me, I don’t regret having you in my life. I know I’m a better person because of what you put me through.

Because of you, I found myself, and with some good people’s help, I was shown how strong I am.

You’ve taught me to be compassionate and how to find a purpose and look at life with optimism.

I’m thankful I didn’t surrender to your perseverance and desire to fully control me.

You’ll always be a part of my past, present and future. But now you’re just a reminder of the struggles and triumphs. I’m happy to tell you that I feel victorious and ready to help others overcome you. This is all because of your lessons.

Thank you for giving me a reason to be happy and be grateful.

Originally published: March 9, 2015
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