Living With Scars, Both Inside and Out
It all starts so innocently — the satisfaction of scratching a bug bite
The release of popping a pimple.
It starts small: broken skin from falling, a blister from running, a burn from the oven.
But then it takes on a life of its own.
Scabbing.
Picking.
Bleeding.
Scaring.
It’s bloody sheets, stained clothes. It’s raw wounds. Red, swollen infected sores.
Pain.
Sometimes it’s an urge so strong, a desire so intense.
“I must pick!”
Sometimes it’s subconscious — I don’t even realize I’m doing it.
“Why am I bleeding?”
The cycle continues.
Scabbing.
Picking.
Bleeding.
Scaring.
It’s self-control during the day, and then bleeding all the way home because I just couldn’t wait .
It’s making up stories for the deep wounds: “
It’s a bug bite.”
“It’s from my skin peeling.”
“I fell.”
“I have a boo boo.”
When the reality is I pick. I cannot leave it alone.
I use tweezers and nail clippers. Scissors and bobby pins. Anything to remove the scab.
It’s trying to hide it: Make up. Band-Aid. Long pants. Long-sleeved shirt.
I hate that I can’t stop it.
Scabbing.
Picking.
Bleeding.
Scaring.
It’s feeling ugly every day, covered in scars, head to toe. Anywhere I can reach.
Scars and more scars.
Causing tears and more tears.
It’s despising this part of me. I can’t imagine feeling beautiful, or anyone else thinking I am.
Looking in the mirror, I only see wounds — scars.
Looking at my heart I see the same.
It’s trying to heal both my body and heart.
It’s recognizing small victories, and taking one day at a time.
It’s hoping and praying that some day the scabbing, picking, bleeding and scaring will be healed.
Both inside and out.
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Danielle is a single, Christian, 31-year-old professional woman. She enjoys traveling, serving at church, being active, writing and spending time with loved ones. She has struggled with mental illness off and on since she was 10-years-old. Underneath her outgoing personality and love for laughter is a real struggle few realize. She’s becoming more and more passionate about sharing her story with others and fighting the stigma of mental illness.
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