I wish I meant as much to people as they do to me. People say they care about me but yet no one really calls or texts to check in. I am not okay right now. If you’ve seen Encanto, I feel like pretty much the entire Madrigal family in one body and brain. Trying to be strong like Louisa by shouldering my own pain and suffering while also absorbing everyone else’s hurt and agony. Holding myself to expectations of what everyone else deems to be “perfect” like Isabella. Putting on different masks and metaphorically shape shifting like Camilo just looking for acceptance and support. Picking up on like each and every single sound like Dolores. Being a healer like the mother and trying to fix the utter brokenness of humanity with love and grace, all the while wondering why I’m so different and feeling left out like Mirabel. Except in my case I’m the only one who is gifted. Just a magical girl surrounded by brick walls like it’s been my whole entire life. And I have to break the rules and talk about Bruno and his visions, because I can totally see how this world is going to end up one day if something doesn’t change. The only one I don’t feel like is Tia Peppa because she controls the weather and I don’t feel like I’m in control of anything.
Hell, even my body is out of control, thanks to a constantly disregulated nervous system, and can’t properly do the things it was designed to naturally do.

Like sleep for example, because it’s currently five in the morning and my poor brain has been running a marathon all freaking night long. Just constant thoughts about all the ways the world is doomed because no one knows how to love anymore.

As a pure empath, well as pure as one can be these days, I am literally suffocating from all the narcissism and negativity I’m surrounded by. Especially in the place I’m supposed to call home. But it’s always been like that because I just seem to attract really broken people all around me, wherever I go. People that only want anything to do with me when it suits them. Once I stop providing the praise and glory, the narcissistic supply if you will, people forget about me. I am left beyond depleted forced to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Which breaks into more and more pieces each time, continuously increasing its fragility. I am a member of a dying breed. An old soul that follows the golden rule to treat people the way you want to be treated. However when I treat people like they treat me, they don’t take too kindly to it. Funny how that works isn’t it? People just take and take from my bucket to fill theirs, but then get annoyed when my bucket is empty and needs refilling. They then accuse me of being needy, and vanish from my life leaving me refill my own bucket over and over again. If that isn’t a perfect example of a pot calling the kettle black I don’t know what is.

God created animals to love and whether we admit it or not, humans are in fact animals. He didn’t create a world to be dominated by hate and greed always looking for the next way to make a buck. Depleting a beautiful planet of its natural resources and commercializing them for profit. Think about the story of the Lorax. He chopped down all of the beautiful trees just to make a stupid product to make him bank, but it caused all of the wildlife to leave and forced the town to breathe recycled air.

We have over farmed our land so much we can’t even get all of our necessary vitamins and minerals from nature anymore. Oh and let’s not forget how basically all of our food we eat is either genetically modified and/or engineered unless you buy it homegrown from a farm stand. It’s all now manufactured just to ensure the government’s pocket stays full, when you look at the big picture. The shit they put in our food and medicine is seriously fucking with our natural hormone production and dulling our senses.

But honestly I’ve given up processed food before and the world is terrifyingly overstimulating without it. I ended up in a mental institution cause my body never left dorsal vagal and I always felt like I was dying cause my senses were perpetually overwhelmed.

And while I am once again eating some sugar and processed food, my nervous system is still completely overwhelmed and I can’t just ignore the stimulation now that I am aware it’s there. I’m in a constant state of hyper vigilance fight or flight but the medicines the use to treat that just turn me into a zombie and all I want to do is eat and sleep. I confided some pretty big stuff to the doctor at the mental hospital hoping to garner some compassion I’ve been so desperately needing. His immediate response was to start me on a large dose of an antipsychotic drug that made me feel like absolute shit. It got so bad I started walking with a cane regularly. I decreased my dose on my own because I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open or really get out of bed even. But I kept taking it until I got paired with a regular psychiatrist who took me off. Two to three weeks after stopping it I no longer needed a cane to keep me steady on my feet. Also it made me gain like fifty pounds in just a few months, which didn’t help with the depression. It was just not a good experience all around.

But I’ve gotten way off track, my apologies, my thoughts are completely disorganized these days. My whole point of writing this is to share with the world that while yes, evolution is a good natural thing, and we can never stop improving our situations, we has humans need to slow the fuck down and learn how to truly love again. And we need to do it quick before narcissism and greed takes over the planet and everyone ends up killing each other because the world will be full of assholes

Just an activist trying to save an endangered species…