A Letter to My Unbeloved Eating Disorder

Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741.

My unbeloved eating disorder,

When I first met you, I thought you were going to be my new best friend. I felt so strong and capable with you by my side. I thought I was completely in control. In a short matter of time we became closer and closer and I started to notice things weren’t as perfect as I had once believed. But you were quick to convince me I was overreacting, that everything was perfect, that everything would be perfect forever — as long as I stayed with you.

But you lied to me. I wasn’t overreacting. I was right. The control I found in you had now been completely taken by you. My original confidence faded as you hurled word after word of insult and hate at my thinning skin. I started to crumble, but I was far too late. You had me right where you wanted me.

All the while you were quick to deceive, somehow appearing immaculate in front of me. I could never get away from you because I felt like I was no one without you. You spoke for me, you acted for me, you became me. As much as I hated you, I also loved you. For all the things I saw you do to hurt, I somehow found many more that were meant to help. However, you took my control. You ruined my relationships. You destroyed my trust. And I couldn’t do anything but watch it all slip away.

But now, I see you for you. All your lies and covers can no longer disguise you. My eyes are cleared from the haze and I no longer want you. Instead, I want what you took. I want my friendships back. I want to be trusted and to trust. I want a life outside of pain, hurt, disgust and you. As cliche as it may sound, I want to love and be loved. I want to run — really run — until I feel my heart beating against my chest. And now I know I can have these. As hard as you tried to keep me down, I broke free and I see. I feel. I know who you really are and I don’t want you. I am leaving you behind. And just so you know, I am much happier without you. I am so much better. I’m more kind, more accepting, more loving. I can laugh and enjoy things. I am better because you no longer control me.

So I’m leaving you. I’m leaving you for so much more and I could not be more excited to see you off. It’s been too long that I’ve held on to you and admired you, but that time is over and I have a real life to live.

No longer yours,
Hannah

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Photo via contributor.