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I'm Tired of Being in Eating Disorder Recovery

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Being in recovery from an eating disorder is absolutely exhausting. It requires mental energy and work that isn’t needed of most individuals. It means I must plan out my day and make sure that my body is nourished and nurtured, two things I previously ignored. When I’m tired of being in recovery from my eating disorder, I try to remember why I decided to enter recovery in the first place.

I want to have meaningful relationships with people rather than the false companionship of my eating disorder. My life is worth living and food is not the most meaningful part of it. Friendship and connection are the most important things in my life today. Sure, food is a way to bring people together, but it’s the relationships collected over food that matter — not the food itself.

Compensation for the food I eat takes up too much time and negatively impacts my body. My body is the temple my soul resides in, and I am finished harming it. I made a pact with myself that I will no longer use eating disorder behaviors to change my body shape in any way. I also have a busy life now, and I simply don’t have time for an eating disorder. I choose a life without behaviors that negatively impact my body or soul.

I want to live in the strongest body I possibly can. This means I must feed myself and let the nutrients nourish my body. I must exercise for the purpose of strengthening rather than weight loss. With a strong body comes a strong mind and loving heart, things I cannot imagine living without. When I nourish my body, my mind performs better and my emotions stay regulated. I know I am capable of making sound choices for myself, but this goes out the window when I use eating disorder behaviors. The act of using a behavior is not a healthy decision for me, and today I recognize this.

I want to be a positive role model. I love to spend time with young people, and know their minds are easily sculpted. I was young when I first learned of diets. I believe it is our generation’s job to teach young people that their bodies don’t need changing. “Healthy” means something different for every individual on this planet, and it is our responsibility to show youth that anybody can be considered healthy, no matter the size of their body.

I want to be able to focus on the task at hand. Today I am able to articulate my thoughts and plan my actions before I engage in them. When actively starving my brain, I did not have this luxury. Today I am able to study for exams, write papers and multi-task at work with little effort.

When I surround myself with those I love on a regular basis, eat food my body wants, and fill my life up with positive, life-giving intentions, I feel a little less tired. When I do feel tired, I must remember why I wanted recovery in the first place. I lived a miserable existence dependent on external validation from others, but today I want a life worth living for myself. I deserve a life full of meaningful connections and powerful relationships. Today I am capable of creating this for myself, but I must continue on the road of recovery, even when I am feeling exhausted.

Getty Images photo via berdsigns

Originally published: March 8, 2018
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