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Some Days, I Still Just Really Hate My Body

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Because some days, I just really hate my body.

There. I said it. It’s true. I hate my body. Not every day, not all the time, but more often than I would like to admit. I’m that girl. The girl always building others up. I give out compliments like my life depends on it. At times, even I forget that it’s not actually my life’s work to go around sprinkling confetti and glitter and spreading self-love. I’m always telling those around me to love themselves. My social media is flooded with posts about strength and beauty and love. I pride myself in being known as the girl who has overcome society’s unrealistic beauty standards and made her own definition of beauty.

But the truth is, I’m a fake. A phony. I’m no perfect hero to look up to. I am human just like everyone else. I am flawed, incredibly so. And I’m insecure, oh gosh am I insecure.

Now there is some truth to the magic of self-love I’m always raving about. Actually, there is a lot of truth to it. I believe in self-love with my whole heart. I believe it’s real, and I believe in its healing powers and the way it can transform lives. But where the dishonesty comes in, is this idea that I’ve got it all together. That I never struggle. That I do this whole self-love thing with ease. Because that’s the farthest thing from the truth.

In all honesty, I struggle. I struggle a lot. I am struggling today. I woke up this morning, headed to the bathroom to go pee, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately thought “nope, not today.” I had all intentions of waking up, eating a beautiful Instagram worthy breakfast, throwing on a cute outfit, running errands, doing some housekeeping and enjoying the sunshine. And I was fully capable of doing all of that. But I looked in the mirror and immediately felt defeated. Instead of getting up and starting my day, I went back to bed. I slept till 2 p.m., woke up, and looked in the mirror again, “nope.”

I mustered up some strength to manage to stay awake, and I planned to make the rest of my day as productive and positive as possible. It is now 9:43 p.m. on a Friday and my room is a mess, I have not so much as stepped foot outside, I haven’t showered, and I am still in my pajamas.

It’s absurd to think that the way I felt when I saw my body in the mirror had the power to dictate my entire day. I couldn’t shower, because I couldn’t bear to see myself naked. I couldn’t put on my makeup, because my reflection disgusted me. I couldn’t find anything to wear, because everything just felt extra tight. I couldn’t go outside, because the thought of someone else seeing what I saw was too much to handle.

So here I am. The girl who seems like she has it all figured out. The girl who is never seen without a smile on her face and a pep in her step. That girl. But this time, the biggest accomplishment I’ve made today was feeding my dog.

The point of this isn’t to tell you that self-love is this made up, unobtainable fairytale that you should give up on. No, the point is that I don’t want you to look at my Instagram page on a day when you’re struggling and beat yourself up because it seems like my journey is all sunshine and roses. I don’t want you to think that there is something wrong with you when you have a bad day and you feel like giving up. I want you to know that it’s normal. And it sucks. But it’s not an indication that you’re losing this fight. It’s not a sign that you lost your way. It’s a sign that you’re human. That you’re alive. And that you’re still fighting.

Because some days, I just really hate my body. And it is so debilitating that I spend my day locked in my room with a scattered brain and unwashed hair. And on these days, I feel really discouraged. And I feel like a fake, and a fraud. But that’s not true. What I am is real. And the reality is, some days still really suck.

But I wholeheartedly believe, that in the midst of all this unbearable pain, is where we make the most growth. When we’ve fallen down yet again, our strength becomes most visible. Because today I may have stumbled and fallen face first into the concrete ground. But if I hadn’t experienced rock bottom first hand, then I would never be equipped to speak of how much better the view is from the top. And I will never, never stop fighting until I reach the top.

There are two things I know for sure: The first is that insecurity runs deep, and the second is that love runs deeper. And despite how weak I feel today, I know that in this weakness, I am becoming strong.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I have a mirror to face. And I’m sure it won’t be gentle or nice, I’m sure it won’t be easy. But the best things in life are things we must fight for. And love is one fight that I’m not ready to give up on. Because love, love will never give up on me.

Keep fighting the good fight my friends, I’m right here with you.

This story was originally published on Thought Catalog.

Lead image via contributor

Originally published: June 6, 2018
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