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To the Boyfriend of a Girl With an Eating Disorder

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I wish you knew I’m really not a liar, but I have lied to you about so many things related to my eating disorder that you no longer have any trust in me.

I wish you knew that food scares me as it excites you and your mouth begins to water.

As your appetite grows, mine diminishes and turns into a sharp pain and trembling anxiety. I wish you knew that saying, “It’s OK,” and, “It’s only food,” does not help because it is so much more for me. I am terrified of something all people need for survival, which makes everyday life that much harder for me.

I know you get aggravated with me and that you wish I would recover faster, so I want you to know I’m sorry for putting you through so much, and that I greatly appreciate you staying with me for almost two years, helping me battle this disorder every day. I wish you knew I am scared you will get tired of the fight and leave. I wish you knew how hard it is to get out of bed every morning. Expressing my emotions is so hard for me; I wish you could read my mind. I know it gets frustrating when you ask me what’s wrong and I reply, “I don’t know.” It would be easier if you were already in my head.

I just wish you knew.

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Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash

Originally published: September 2, 2018
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