Breaking Up With My Scale During Eating Disorder Recovery
Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741.
I refuse to start this letter with the traditional “dear,” because you are not dear to me any longer. The truth is, regardless of what I thought sometimes, you were never really dear to me. You were like words of approval from an abuser to a victim, because that is what you were — a tool my abuser, my eating disorder, used to manipulate me.
I thought the information you were giving me was not only reassurance I was fine, but a gold star saying I was doing great. You were like the sticker chart my parents used to get me to do chores, except instead of a chore completed it was a pound lost. It is symbolic, really.
You are sneaky, Scale, because you were a tool this disease used to manipulate me. What I know now is the lies you and my eating disorder both fed me could have killed me. Those lies blinded me to the reality I was getting sicker by the day and ever more entangled in the web this monster weaves.
You, Scale, are not a living thing. You have no brain or consciences or soul. You are pieces of metal and plastic, so I find it hard to be mad at you when the truth is I am the one who gave you all the power. But that is over. This is it. I’m taking my power back and I will find other ways of measuring my self-worth. Real ways of measuring the life in each day. Gone are your days of counting in pounds, in bones and in clothing sizes. I see the tricks. I can hear the lies, so your time of controlling my life is done and now we say goodbye.
Now is my time of embracing love, vulnerability and healing.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.
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Pixabay photo via StillWorksImagery