A Message From the Body You Starved for Too Long

Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741.

Dear Kim,

Give me a fucking break. I’m not your slave, I’m not a robot, nor a machine. You tell me, “Don’t think. Just do.” I obey. You make me run when I don’t want to. You push me harder to perform. I absolutely hated running that marathon and those two half marathons. I hated what you did to me when you were making me be a figure competitor. You abused me. You made me do hours upon hours of boring as hell cardio, made me lift weights every day and starved me. You worked me so hard that I couldn’t even have my period anymore. You embarrassed your children with the way you made me look and behave. You made me a slave to the gym. You didn’t care about anything else. I was fucking exhausted, but you kept pushing me. Mind over matter. Fuck you. I matter. I’m renegotiating our deal. I no longer work for you. We need to be an equal team and you need to start listening to me.

I’m really good at what I do. But then you punish me for getting hungry. That’s not fair. You make me exert a lot of energy. I comply and I’m strong. I have a great motor and I have a lot of stamina but I need to be fed properly. You abuse me and take me for granted and it’s amazing that I haven’t broken down with injury or illness.

I do want to thank you for not abusing me with drugs and alcohol like you used to. That was hell. But now it’s time to address feeding me properly and not pushing me so hard. I’m 42 years old and I need more TLC. How the hell do you expect me to not be hungry after I work so hard for you?! You have restricted food from me, then when I absolutely make you feed me, you get so pissed and stuff me with food and make me throw it all up. Then I don’t know what the fuck is going on, so you stuff me again with more crap then make me throw it up again. I’m sorry your mind goes “insane” in those cycles and you’re so full of fear. You don’t need to live like that anymore. It’s time to surrender to me. I have strength greater than you even know. If you keep abusing me, I will break down; but if you listen to me and trust me, you will be so much happier, I promise! You have to let go of trying to control me. It doesn’t work as you have seen over and over. It’s time you listen to me.

We’re on the same team. I’m not your enemy, nor am I your slave. Listen to me and please be nice to me. I’m pretty magnificent if you just let me do my job. And for your sake, please stop worrying so much about me getting fat. Just take care of me and I’ll take care of you. I’m not as picky as you think. Just feed me enough. And there’s no need to stuff me either, but it’s OK if you occasionally do — I will adjust as I need to. If you listen, I will tell you what I want. Don’t worry so much about not enough protein, too much protein, too much sugar, carb phobia, saturated fats, food not being “healthy” enough and all that obsessive craziness ad nauseum. Chill the fuck out over me. You have to learn to trust me. I naturally like things that are good for me, and it feels horrible when you stuff me. We like some treats. It’s OK.

Stop taking yourself so seriously. Let’s enjoy life and food. Please don’t make any more rules around food. If you give me a brownie — fine, but you don’t need to stuff me with brownies for fear that you’ll never let me have another one. You can give me another one tomorrow if you want! Peanut butter is not my enemy and it need not be yours. We love peanut butter. Let’s enjoy it! We don’t need to eat the entire jar in one sitting because we can have more tomorrow. We love pizza. Great! Let’s eat some like we did last night. Thank you, by the way, because we enjoyed it and you didn’t have to stuff me with more. Chocolate? Yes. You’re starting to listen to me and trust me that after I eat as much as I want, I don’t want more. Please listen and trust me. Don’t stuff me with more. The only rule is to trust me. I won’t let you down. I’ll do my part if you do yours — meaning feed me enough, feed me well, exercise me (but not too much)! Let’s enjoy life more, people more, social gatherings involving food more, rest more and let’s spend more time together. Let’s become best friends. I’m not your enemy.

Love,

Your body

P.S. I like to exercise. But I need recovery time. I love quiet times when you meditate and listen to me. It will be good for us to start working together as a team. I love you and need your love in return.

Follow this journey here. 

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

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Thinkstock photo via Andesign101