Navigating Change (Or a Global Pandemic) in Eating Disorder Recovery
Editor's Note
If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741741.
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Change is hard for pretty much everyone I know. Human beings are creatures of habit. We like routines, symmetry and patterns. My eating disorder thrived on my rigid routine.
I had very specific rules about when I was “supposed” to eat each meal and snack, and any deviation from those times was incredibly anxiety-provoking for me. A meal eaten too early meant I felt I had to wait that much longer before I allowed myself to eat again. A meal eaten too late left me feeling irritable and set me up for binging.
When I moved to a new city and started nursing school, I was in a whole new world. For the first time, I lived by myself. I had an entire kitchen to myself, which meant no more working around my roommates to try and make a meal. It also meant there was no one around to sit down and eat with me, and I was left to my own devices.
Whether it’s a text from a friend asking to move your dinner plans from 6 p.m. to 7 p.m., an upcoming move to a new city, or a literal global pandemic, change brings about uncertainty and vulnerability in recovery. This is often when relapse happens, and it makes perfect sense.
As unhealthy as my eating disorder routines may have been, they brought me a sense of calm. I could escape the stress of everyday life by engaging in disordered behaviors. I didn’t have to truly feel negative emotions. Without my eating disorder, I didn’t know how to survive.
Routine may have fed my eating disorder, but now it fuels my recovery. A routine may be habitual, regular and similar from day to day, but it doesn’t have to be rigid, precise or identical from day to day. An important part of recovery is creating flexible routines and learning how to adapt them when life happens.
1. Recreate your usual spaces.
Managing recovery can be more difficult when you’re alone. For me, spending all day in classes or at work held me accountable for following my meal plan. There were plenty of people around me who made time to eat lunch and take snack breaks. The simple act of sitting at a table with other people takes some pressure off the actual act of eating. On days off (or times when world events, such as the coronavirus pandemic, force you to stay home), you might find yourself having to eat all alone. This doesn’t mean all is lost. Set up a clean table space, whether that’s at an actual kitchen table, or a coffee table or desk. Turn on some music or a podcast. Sit down and try to stay present while you eat. While this won’t be exactly like your normal routine of eating with classmates or co-workers, it will create a similar experience.
2. Think in time frames, not times.
A routine where you eat breakfast every morning at 8 on the dot looks much different to one where you eat breakfast between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m. In my recovery, my dietitian recommended eating breakfast within one hour of waking up for the day, whether that was at 6 a.m. or 11 a.m. Unless you have a medical condition that requires you to eat at very specific times, it really doesn’t matter when you eat a meal or snack. What matters is that you are eating enough at regular intervals throughout the day.
3. Forget about the numbers.
What would happen if you didn’t exercise x number of times every week? Or finish x number of tasks on your to-do list each day? As someone who still struggles with black-and-white thinking, I know that straying from routines and to-do lists sometimes feels like the end of the world. In reality, this simply isn’t true. Letting go of numbers (food-related or otherwise) leaves space for you to breathe. Separating yourself from numbers doesn’t mean you are “giving up” or being “lazy.” Rather, it means you value your mental and physical health over chasing achievements.
Life doesn’t always go as planned. Instead of fearing change, embrace the fact that change is constant. Learning to adapt your routines to these changes will serve you and your recovery. Above all, remember that you’re doing your best with the situation at hand.
For more on the coronavirus, check out the following stories from our community:
- 10 COVID-19 Emotions You’re Not the Only One Having
- 7 Things to Do If Social Distancing Is Triggering Your Depression
- 6 Tips If You’re Anxious About Being Unable to Go to Therapy Because of COVID-19
- What It’s Like to Be a ‘Highly Sensitive Person’ in the Time of COVID-19
Follow this journey on the author’s blog.
Photo by Carlos Lindner on Unsplash
I am a registered nurse in recovery from an eating disorder. I hope to shed light on the issue and bring hope to people in recovery through my writing.
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