endabuse

#PTSD

*Possible trigger warning*

At nearly 50, I had zero desire to relive my childhood sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. I had tucked it away and appeared "normal" to people in my personal and professional world. Then I was triggered by a family member going through a manic episode and decided to call me...

Long story short, I ended up relocating to be near my dysfunctional-but-functional family as a mother with 2 boys. Sadly, mom was more than thrilled to start the rage, anger, cold-shoulder, passive-aggressive, hate-love hell I endured as a child and it was surreal watching her unravel in an effort to make me react - she was unsuccessful in that way but I imploded and my health is now horrible. I have dizzy spells, had a mini-stroke where I fell and broke my nose, and have a pocket of fluid built up above my left ear.

I didn't realize the evil that an abuser is capable of until I got some space, pulled every message and document, and stared at her intentional cruelty.

Today I am posting these pictures - we lived on 10 acres and mom limited our family so we really only saw her mother, my grandmother. But when we DID have to drive to town, mom's rage could only survive about 10 minutes. This is an old "weigh station" off the highway. She'd yell at us because we were expected to be silent in the car (even though we rarely went anywhere and it was exciting) and then she'd pull over to this weigh station, rip me out of the car, and beat me. Moving back to the area and driving past it made me wish I had enough $$$ to get permission and a contractor to blow that place up!! That way no other narcissistic abusive mom could get the same idea. I'd hope that people would call 911 if they EVER SAW this. My mom deserves to be in jail for what she's done/does. Maybe someday justice will be served on these "sweet appearing" grandmas?! I pray I see the day.#endabuse #enddomesticviolence #endnarcissisticcontrol

So many people assume that my anxiety (social, panic attacks, agoraphobia), PTSD, and ADHD aren't debilitating because I was able to manage them for 38 years as a successful, awkwardly joyful mom and professional. Then I made the "wrong person" mad or slighted someone to the extent my homes have repeatedly been broken into, an app installed on my cell transmitting my messages to some gmail account, pc blown up - I watched in horror as someone remote logged in and transferred everything, and a DOS attack. I've had to move 4 times in the last decade as a single mom and have organized thousands of messages and am preparing to pursue criminal charges against the people that did this - terrorizing me and my 2 minor sons.

I don't have words for the disappointment and sadness surrounding my being forced to use my 30 years of legal experience to do this after spending the last 10 trying to survive - working when I could despite being repeatedly threatened and living in fear. I told my last clinician that I have documented the exact moment when my life went from normal ups-and-downs but great to targeted hell. I am grateful, I suppose, for the volume of evidence I have but there is 1 major issue in mental health - bias. All of the funding, programs, attention to "decreasing stigmatization" is sadly a complete illusion. 76% of mental health professionals admit to having an implicit bias and <10% of="" all="" malpractice="" lawsuits="" will="" ever="" see="" a="" courtroom.="" considering="" reports that 1 in 5 people experience mental health episodes/symptoms, what do we do when we go to the ER for domestic violence protection and the provider (that spent less than 2 total hours with me) breaks HIPAA, without consent, and contacts your abusers (was previously reported to the state) - only to diagnose you with 3 new - traumatizing diagnoses only based on what your abusers reported and WITHOUT speaking to you??? And that is after 20 years of off-and-on life coaching, counseling, and medication management. It is so egregious that one of my abusers even wrote a statement indicating they didn't report what was written in my medical records - but they used that information to spread a wildfire smear campaign about me. Where's the justice for anyone that has their rights violated to such a degree that the heightened fight/flight over a decade is medically proven to have currently decreased my life expectancy by over 12 years? I'm going to use every ounce of strength I have to get the truth told though. I don't mind having my mental health issues. I do mind being intentionally victimized and harassed, then told to let it go when it won't stop. Please wish me luck - I want them in jail - to show my children we will not be bullied.#PTSD #Anxiety #endstalking #endabuse