How Endometriosis Caused Me to Struggle With Depression and Suicidal Thoughts
When I became sick at a very young age, my entire world shifted. Here I was at age 12, supposed to be celebrating my “womanhood,” my growth. Instead I was hit with endometriosis – a chronic invisible illness that has no cure, that is painful and debilitating.
No one knew what it was. I was given multiple treatment options and none of them worked. I gained weight, I had to drop out of school, I felt like I had lost everything. I felt like my childhood had been robbed from me. How would you feel? I was in a dark place. Endometriosis isn’t terminal, but it caused me to sometimes wish I was dead. I was depressed, but I felt like being depressed was wrong. I felt like I was in the wrong for feeling this way, but looking back on these years, I realize that maybe if I would have reached out sooner, things wouldn’t have been so hard.
You see, us endo warriors tend to get labeled as “crazy” or “drug-seekers” if they can’t find out what is wrong with us. I was accused by multiple doctors of “faking it” and that it was “all in my head.” I knew I wasn’t making it up, so I did what I thought was right and I rebelled. I refused to see a therapist because in my head, that meant that the bad guys won. Isn’t that sad?
I am now 22 years old. I’ve never been to a therapist, and I still have moments of depression. They come and they go. I’ve been through so much; I shouldn’t have to be ashamed of having moments of darkness. I am brave, I am strong and I am worthy.
I encourage anyone who is struggling with depression or negative thoughts to reach out and seek help. We shouldn’t have to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. We shouldn’t hold onto the guilt this illness can bring us. It’s OK to not be OK. It’s OK to have moments of doubt, it’s OK to struggle. It’s OK to not be perfect, to show emotion. It’s not OK to keep all of these thoughts in – they can eat away at you.
If you are an endo warrior like me (and even if you’re not!), reach out. I promise it’s not as scary as it seems. The hardest part is the first step. I love you guys!
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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