5 Things a Chronically Ill Person's Healthy Friends Need to Know

I had a revelation in light of recent circumstances: friendships with a chronically ill person (either mentally or physically) are different than normal friendships. Not better or worse, just different. I think there are certain things that many chronically ill people want “healthy” people to know. Here’s my personal top five:

1. I still want to be invited to things!

Yes, even if I say no. Yes, even if I’m pale. Yes, even if my humor is dry that day. Yes, even if I’m in pain (which I am, all the time, but that doesn’t mean I am a pain.)

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It means a lot to simply be included. Really. Loneliness is a silent killer. I want to do things. I want to have strong, deep, real relationships. I want to come to your potluck, your movie night, your basketball game, your study session. Please don’t stop inviting me because you know I’ve been sick… I also know that I’ve been sick, and I know my limits. Please trust me. Even if you think I can’t do something, invite me anyway! I can sit on the sidelines and simply enjoy your presence or maybe I’ll surprise you with what I am capable of achieving despite an illness.

2. Cast away your fear of “something happening!”

“Can we not invite Bre, because, you know, I don’t know, something could happen.” Do you know how much that hurts? Yeah, it sucks when an emergency happens. A seizure, fainting, breaking a bone, or breaking down: it all royally sucks. For me, too. It is humiliating, depressing, horrifying, and saddening for me. Please don’t let that fear interfere with our plans. Love casts out all fear. I don’t want to “ruin the night” any more than you want something to happen, but I can’t lock myself in my room and avoid doing things for the fear of something occurring… I am not here to exist. I am here to live. I am well equipped with a medical ID, emergency contact info, and medicine, in the event of an emergency. I hate that it is the way it is, but I can’t change my body… we can, however, all change our attitude. I’m not a monster to be afraid of, I am a human being capable of thoughts, feelings, intellect, dreams… and a malfunctioning body.

3. My desires are attainable, but it takes about five times the effort to accomplish them.

I’m tired of hearing, “You’re too sick to do that,” or “You’ll never be able to accomplish that.” It literally takes an epileptic person five times the amount of energy to do something than it takes a non-epileptic person. Does that mean I can’t do something? No. It means it takes more time, energy, and resources. And that is OK, but please be patient. I can be, and very much am, a passionate person with wild dreams to change the world. I would even argue that my passions are general stronger than others because of the sheer amount of work it takes to accomplish them. Oh, what a feeling it is when I do! Graduate high school with a brain injury. Complete first year of university with a strong GPA. Raise $2,000 for the IWK Children’s Hospital. Minister to kids and share my story. Travel. So much awesomeness in my life… but yes, so much work. And there’s so much more I want to do! I want to go on a missions trip. Serve the homeless. Marry a man who respects and loves me. Raise a family. Grow in faith. Be a doctor. Make relations. Adopt a child.

4. Some days I am not capable of loving you the way you need to be loved.

But I still deeply love you. You are my friend: I cherish you, appreciate you, enjoy spending time with you, and love you. I believe you are my sister/brother in Christ and we have the same father… a father who loves even the fissures of my being and the broken pieces of my body. But please realize that some days my head doesn’t think right and brain fog overcomes me and I say/do/act in ways I otherwise never would. Recognize the true me vs. the illness-is-overtaking me. You can hate the illness but please don’t hate me.

5. My friendship with you will be abnormal.

Maybe you’ve never had a friend with a chronic mental or physical ailment before (or both!) Perhaps I can educate you – but that’s not why I want you in my life. I want to be friends with you because, like I said, I am human. I believe God created community for a purpose. So maybe we bond over a hospital visit or a road trip across the country… either way, let’s laugh together, bond together, love together, share together, travel together, support together, and encourage together.

OK? OK.

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