Trying to get better
I have 2, maybe more versions of me that people see. There's the person that has overcome multiple brain surgeries and seizures and is trying to fight through speech impairment, memory, headaches and depression. That person acts as though everything is so much better and she's doing great. That person wants everyone around her to be happy and not worry about her, so she doesn't share what she really thinks.
Then there's the person that is anxious and sad that even though she's doing better she isn't where she used to be, before the seizures got bad again. That person also fights the memories from ptsd, the pain from the headaches, struggles with communication and feels worthless. She has suicidal ideation and every day comes up with a reason to stay alive. That person fights every day to be here and keep going.
I have been honest with my therapist about both. Maybe too honest, maybe i shouldn't have ever told her. I'm not sure she truly believes me (like the kid who called wolf). She asked me if I want to get better. I automatically said yes, because I truly do. Otherwise I wouldn't have this list of reasons to live every day. I wouldn't be seeing specialists and speech therapists, and general therapists. I automatically said yes, but the more I've thought about it the angrier I've become. Why would she even ask me that? Is that normal to ask? I'm very open with her, shouldn't that show how much I want to get better?
I'm not sure what to say to her at my next appointment because maybe I'm misunderstanding why she asked.
#Depression #Anxiety #Epilepsy #SuicidalIdeation #MentalHealth #CommunicationDisorders