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Optimism
Every one always wonders why I am such an optimist. I am that annoyingly joyful person who refuses to see anything less than half full. In public.
The reason I'm an optimist is because otherwise, if I let it go for just a moment, I'm a suicidal wreck. The second I let in the bleak, in with it comes flooding the dark thoughts. Which building is tall enough, where to get rope, what's the sharpest object in my house? Who should I apologize to? Who should I say good bye to? More and more rushing and flooding me till I can't breath drowning on the floor. Unstoppable obsessive thoughts slamming into me unrelentingly. It hurts and i can't move.
I'm exhausted holding it back. All. The. Time.
I know what happens when I let go, when I get down my smiling guard.
But sometimes I can't stop it. Sometimes it floods me no matter how delusional bright I paint the world. I don't have an answer of how I don't die, because I don't know. I just keep breathing, I have to. I don't have a choice. So I lay there and breath until I can force a smile.
If I force enough smiles, eventually I get a real one. Then later maybe a chuckle or a sarcastic snort. Then a laugh. And sometimes, once in a while, I get a full belly laugh where I'm crying but its not because I'm fighting my own death. I'm crying because I feel happy and that hurts in its own way but I like how happy hurts.
So every day I trick myself, lie to myself.
Look at the beautiful g d grass, itsnt it lovely with dew on it?
Oh looks like I get extra time to listen to music this morning since traffic isn't moving.
I am fine.
So if you talk to me and I am annoyingly cheerful on a monday morning saying "Good morning! Gonna be a fun day!" as you roll your eyes and chug your coffee. And I'm smiling so big and so hard so you won't see in my eyes the truth. I'm saying good morning and smiling and spreading joy so I can keep breathing. So I don't die. So I can be a good mother and not leave my children to the wolves. I'm cracking jokes in the staff room so you will laugh so I can laugh and live another day.
So forgive my annoying optimism, because today is another beautiful day with beautiful g d dew covered grass. Today is another beautiful day because you and I are still here together to pretend to laugh together and chug our coffee and talk about nothing but that's OK that you won't let me in since I won't let you in either. But its OK. We are fine. And we are going to get through this. Together.
