FacingFear

"I'm a cowboy on this steel horse I ride and I'm wanted dead or alive" -Bon Jovi

So today was the day. Back on the bike after I dropped it and ended up in the E.R.

It's funny how your mind preys on your failures and magnifies them. That little voice that says "you failed before...you are gonna fail again because you are nothing but a failure." For me that voice comes from my father who was a perfectionist. Nothing was ever good enough for him, including me. No matter what I did it never made him happy and anytime I wanted to do something new, try something new, his default response was "you will never be able to do that."

Sadly, the measure my father used on others he also used on himself and I often wonder if he felt like he was a failure. I stopped talking to my father over 20 years ago. He missed out on my life and honestly it was his loss. Though things broke down in my life and I had a mental break I don't believe the measure of a person is their failures but the ability to get back up and go at it again.

My mind tried to play up on me today. Whispering doubts and fear. I know how to ride, my skills class proved it. Though this bike is bigger the fundamentals are all the same and I know the fundamentals. So mount up again I did...after a quick prayer.

I could have ridden all day. I rode around the neighborhood, some streets, went to a creek nearby and snapped some pics. There was no fear, just confidence in know that the bike will do what I tell it to do and if I am safe and smart I will be ok. It also gave me time to practice my situational awareness. That above my skills will keep me alive and make riding fun and safe.

So I will call today a big win. I would love to just ride the rest of the day, but there are things to do and appointments to keep. Tomorrow is another day.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #FacingFear