fear

My mind is racing as I type this. I am criticizing every single word. I am so afraid that speaking about my challenges is going to make things worse. I know it doesn't make sense but I have had to wear a mask hiding my conditions for so long that I feel completely insecure without it. I feel like a caged animal who once set free still wears the chains of control. Depression has taken so much from me that I don't even remember who I used to be. I do remember being such a fearless and determined child. But when depression came along it robbed me of my essence. The characteristics of myself that I was most proud of. I fear that depression will affect my son. I want so badly to believe that if I get better (and can sustain being better) that I can help him if it happens. Yes, I believe that depression is something that happens to you. As bazaar as it sounds, it has become its own entity. As much as the knowledge of being diagnosed helped make sense of things, it doesn't help if managing is a struggle too. Imagine having to fight with yourself to simply be okay with YOURSELF.

So I am afraid. I am afraid of the side effects of increasing my dosages. I am afraid that I won't manage the symptoms enough and I lose my job. I am afraid that my son will have this. And I am afraid that even this post won't be enough. My imposter syndrome is showing and I cant afford to be exposed. I just want to be free of these fears.#Depression #Fear #Adultadd #Anxiety #ImposterSyndrome

#Anxiety #anger #Fear #Depression

If it takes me cussing people out, then I will. I am really sorry I have become this person, but I just don’t like the feeling of being ignored, hurt, lied to, people stopped talking to me, people saying things that they don’t mean, like saying they will be there, they won’t leave but they eventually do. I have never done anything wrong but it just seems like to me people talk to who they want, care about who they want, spend time or hang out with who they want, but when it comes time for them to make new friends or talk to other people, I have noticed people stop talking to me. It makes me feel like I am invisible and don’t matter. That is why I don’t get close to people, I don’t even leave the house anymore because of it, I don’t put myself out there because I don’t see the point anymore. I feel like I will never change because I am always going to find it hard to start the conversation first because I don’t do well with socializing, because I don’t know what to say, I have always been way too shy to message first and also the reason I don’t reach out is because I have a fear of rejection or being ignored but I also don’t because I know life can get busy with job, kids, or just anything. I know that I have my boyfriend, with him I don’t have to worry about anything or anybody hurting me because I know that he will always be there, he will talk to me, he will not ignore me, or just anything. Despite everything, he has autism, I know it can be a struggle sometimes because he doesn’t always get it or understand when I need time to myself, space, or to do anything, communication is always a problem but it’s not that he is ignoring me or if I don’t message him back right away, he will send multiple messages until I reply, which I know is linked to his autism, I know that it’s something he can’t control or help but it isn’t something that I will leave him over. I am also going to stick around through it all, I love him but also the reason I stay is because I am afraid of being alone because if I wasn’t with him then I know I will be alone because no friends stay around and everyone else leaves. He also takes care of me, he is okay with me being very dependent and everything but he also treats me like a queen, but there will be a time when I will be able to go back to him. I won’t have to worry about anything anymore, whether that be people leaving, my stepdad accusing me of things I don’t do, calling me names to put me down, calling my music I listen to witchcraft or devil music when it’s not but also my mom who drinks every day and decides not to get help, but I am done with it all and everything. I know that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to or that I am not comfortable with, which that includes getting a job because if I had one it would be too much for me to handle to the point I would be lashing out and getting angry at people I work with, but I am just done trusting people to stick around when they will just leave when I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I am replaceable anyways which is why I cling onto my boyfriend and attach myself because I know that he will never leave me. I have him and he is all I need because in the end, everyone just leaves anyways. I am sorry if I can’t always control my anger sometimes and I don’t want to break anything like I used to but I am tired of caring anymore. I don’t put myself out there, I don’t get close to people, which once I move back to him then that’s it because I’m not going to let anybody in and the only person I want to feel close to is him because it’s just the repetitive cycle with everyone else because since I am never going to be the one to start conversations, I don’t want to reach out first unless people talk to me, some people only want to be friends with people who put in the same effort as them which I am never going to be that person and all of that is not going to change. I have him at least, who will stick around, who shows up for me and he never will leave me, but I will be moving back to him soon because at least I have someone there who will tend to my needs, take care of me, and everything or there is somedays there is times I am too tired to get out bed, eat and have the energy which he will help me with the things I struggle with or other tasks I can't do on my own like hygiene, cooking, laundry or just anything but as don't do phone calls either because I prefer texting. He treats me like a queen and he is all that I ever want but nothing is going to change that, I will risk anything for my relationship just so I don’t have to be alone. He also comforts me when I am feeling sad, he sings to me, and does everything he can to make me feel better, and I know I will get to experience that when I move back to him too. He always knows how to cheer me up when I am down. When I am around him, I don’t need space or time alone. He’s the only one who I can always count on, and that’s all I need but since I don't like going anywhere alone or doing anything alone that is why I have him because I also care and worry about what people think of me when I am in person because I have a learning disability because I am afraid of being judged, laughed at, looked at a certain way and I have heard people that do get bullied because they have a disability, for their appearance or anything but even going out to the grocery store makes me feel uncomfortable. My reaction to when people stop talking to me, lying to me, leaving me, or I feel as if people make new friends or forget about me or just anything to hurt me makes me get angry and crying is my reaction but I am just done. He will be so clingy to the point I can't do anything, I am okay with that so I don't have to be alone and everything but I would rather have someone talk my ear off and blow up my phone rather than someone who would leave because believe me when I do get so clingy when I get ignored or anything and I have become the same way but i have decided not to reach out. I only told my friends that he treated me wrong because they wasn't talking to me anymore or like they used to. Onetime when I lived with him they did threaten to beat me up if I didn't come back to Georgia when that isn't what friends do but he does treat me right. I have nothing here for me in Georgia or i feel like I have nobody but to be honest I am done putting myself out there, I am done getting close to people or even letting people into my life anymore when all they do is leave. That includes being independent because I don't have to if I don't to which i am not, I also don't want anybody trying to tell me how to live my life or what to do because I will do what I want to do and makes me feel comfortable. I spend hours on video call with my boyfriend because we can understand each other better especially when we meet in person again and we have been together for 8 years and going on 9 in February and with his autism it is much easier for him. He will always do what he has always done for me, that is what I need in my life and that means so much to me, he is the only one I want to be with and there is nothing going to change that.

I am really sorry that I do come off as very bitter, as if I had stopped caring or not to let people in, stopped getting close to people because everyone leaves and it makes me feel as if everyone is the same and the only one who stays is my boyfriend who has showed up for me, promised me that and everything.

I have to go to the ED because I have an area on my left thigh that is red and warm! I have had several blood clots in the past and they did surgery to place several stints in my leg and abdomen. I had a venous stasis ulcer on my leg for 2 years before I had surgery. I went to a wound specialist 3x a week and they scrubbed it and wrapped it up again, it was hell, but it has finally healed and now I'm afraid of having to go through it again! I'm not sure if I can do it again. I actually asked them to cut it off if I had to go through life like this. I didn't care what happened anymore. I was told to go this morning but I didn't I did my laundry and cleaned my room in case I couldn't come back home for a few days. But I'm afraid that I will have no one to check on my dogs if I'm gone! #Fear sucks

I've started having falls in the last 12 months. Last Tuesday was outside the house. I finally went to urgent care on Friday; they recommended a visit to ER for a CAT scan. Found a flattened L6 disc. No shards which is good. They said their focus is pain management right now

The pain is doable; my focus is not falling again and find exercise for knee strength and total body balance.

I'm also under chemo treatment for lung cancer (3 years since dx)

I have a chronic fear and mistrust of my body. When will that stop?

I once went to a baseball game with a community group I go to, called “ bridge the gap “ a group for teens and young adults with autism.

At that baseball game, our lives were on the line. Because we were sitting in the front row and there was no net, absolutely no net, and we had t be aware of all the foul balls coming at us, otherwise, we could’ve gotten hurt, or even killed.

The whole time I was watching this baseball game, I actually, legitly, 10000% thought I was going to die.

But strange thing is, life didn’t flash before my eyes, strange to me, because they say when you’re about to die, your life flashes before right before your eyes, heck, that’s one of the things I think about when I see character die on tv.

And I really did not want a baseball game to be the day that I die, I wanna die because I’m growing old.