fear

I was diagnosed with Borderline personality trait disorder about 3 years ago, right when the first lockdown started.

I've done some therapy but long story short- I haven't seen a therapist for almost a year now.

I thought i was doing alright but now that I'm on brink of loosing love of my life, I realize I haven't been good for several months now.

We are currently on a break, Im back in my home country for 2 month now, studying to become a florist and reflecting on all the damage Ive done. Of course trying to figure out ways how both of our expectations could be met and he wouldn't leave me.

After bunch of self reflection Ive realized that I actually never research what is BPD, cause I didn't wanted to get influenced by my diagnosis.

But now that I started reading this book "I hate you- Don't leave me", Im honestly a bit conflicted, cause Ive never had the typical relationship cycle in this current relationship(almost 8 years) that others with BPD expierence. Ive never tried to break up with him, he has multiple times, which obviously made my abandonment issues higher with each time, but Ive never had explicitly told him I'm done and fled.

I understand that Im the clingy BPD type, but even those people usually shut their partner out and leave.

For me, my partner is the one that keeps me going and loosing him, opens doors that I don't ever want to open, because of fear what's behind them..

#BPD #Relationships #Fear

I woke early this morning with typical questioning thoughts. I then thought of listening to a sermon on a Podcast, but changed my mind because those words typically lead me to more questioning thoughts filled with self reflection, self awareness, and sadly self-lead conviction. But today I want to hear and join in with speaking good words said about our Heavenly Father. So, I turned to #TheMighty to share words of kindness with my Heavenly family to our Loving Lord and Savior!

Loving Father, thank you for sharing your Son with us. Your Trinity is so loving and giving. Thank you for being faithful. Thank you for bending and extending yourself to reach us on our level. As my tears drip because of some challenge I face on this broken realm, Father, your Great Comforter seems to caress my wet face as a gentle wind cools the feverish emotional energy my anxiety sweats.

You are love. You are NOT the voice I often hear in the racing thoughts in my mind, for they are fueled by fear or panic. No. Lord, you are the voice that tells me “peace,” as you add, “Be still.” There is no panic in you. There is no rushed decision expected of us, those who trust in you. Your timing is perfect. I can wait in you.

And in our times of uncertainty, we run to you as our fear mounts. But you allow us to almost disturb you as you reach out to another in their distress. You take the time to whisper to us, “Your faith has made you well.”

I drop before you sharing my accusations of yet ANOTHER time I caught my self cheating, an betraying act unlike you. But you simply push the dirty soil of such internal anguish away. My words begin to fade, for no one is without sin. You stand by me. I hear your whispered words, “Where are your accusers?” All thoughts disappear. With confidence, I know I can “go” and “sin no more.” My actions are exposed. I then drink in Your Living Water. And I go out and I declare to all I encounter in my world, “Jesus speaks! And he knows EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!” Your Truth has set me free!

May we all gather together to boast and proclaim each of our encounters we have experienced with our Heavenly Father, his Son, and the acts and guidance of his Great Comforter. As the song Agnus Dei plays in my ears, “You are Holy…Lord God Almighty…Worthy is the Lamb…Are You Lord God Almighty.”

#Anxiety #Fear #PTSD #CPTSD meet #peace #patience and #Love !