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Can you agree that people-pleasing is a toxic trait and manipulative to your target?

People pleasing is an incredibly maladaptive coping mechanism that we use to try to control our environment and make sure we are safe. It’s a way to manipulate a response from someone else. Ultimately our goal is to have them love us, to depend on us, to incorporate us into their lives by providing this invaluable irreplaceable inauthentic service to them whether they deserve that level of energy from us or not.

Based on that, does that not make us manipulators and toxic parts of their life? Regardless of the actions we do and how much they provide good and genuine value to their lives, the ultimate impetus for the action has nothing to do with them and everything to do with us attempting to manipulate them into giving us something in return.

I’m not saying this because I want you to have yet another way to beat yourself up, I’m saying it as a recognition of the fact that your attempt to control your own safety and peace and to seek validation for the amazing person you are is toxic to another person and to yourself.

You are absolutely giving up your own limited energy to try to manipulate another person into loving you because you can’t love yourself. You do things you wouldn’t even do for yourself and spend your time, money, and energy to convince another human that you are someone they should place value on.

Why is it so easy to spend those precious limited resources (time, money, energy) on someone else, but we can’t be bothered to give those things to ourselves??

Just food for thought. Wish I had the solution, but the first step is admitting the ugly truth. I am not a Dr. Phil fan, but one thing he used to say that is absolutely true is this “You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge!” Admitting that there is a problem means we can work towards a solution.

I’m going to publicly challenge myself to make efforts to change my actions in order to heal myself. I don’t want to manipulate other people into loving and validating me in lieu of loving myself. I want to communicate honestly and give only as much of myself as I have available after I am done taking care of me.

Anyone else ready to acknowledge this and move forward with a future where you no longer believe you have to do extra just to be worth someone’s time and attention?

#PTSD #CPTSD #peoplepleasing #fawning

7 reactions

Just found out today ..#fawning 😞 #MightySurvivor

Today, as my boyfriend berated me about having a previous boyfriend (I'm 43).... I finally recognized what I do ... I am attracted to men that are unavailable, angry, and make me feel worthless


What now...? #fawning

I am an educated 40+ adult who knows not who they are or what they want ...I have been in therapy for a number of years and recently came across the concept of fawning ..it describes my life ..for the first time I am flying solo and it has become very evident that I don't even know who I am, what I want or where to start. I feel immensely sad that it has taken me so long to realise this.