I tried to sleep last night & after my breakdown I cried all night and I’m pretty sure I slept with my eyes open, the constant pain and worrying I do, I just wanna be better. And mostly I want to live. I want to survive. I woke up saying this today. I want to make it over this 10 year battle. I’ve gone to counseling, I’ve done the medicine.

I felt so down yesterday that I was willingly to go join my grandma. Maybe because she’s probably the only one in my family that actually loved me through all the ugly I had and always thought I was perfect. She knew when I was hiding my cuts. And being destroyed, she never turned me away.

And the worst thing ? I never got to say goodbye to her, she had kidney cancer & she fought beautifully, she gave me the best memories. And call me crazy , maybe it’s how I’m dealing with my grief , but I’ve been seeing her. Smelling her lotion & smelling apples because she was crazy about apples.

I don’t think anyone knows how much they love someone until their gone. She always had faith in my for whatever I wanted to be.

I miss her. And I hate my depression, my anger & my will to live sometimes.

But I want to survive today. I want to make it. And look back and say “I fucking did it “

#Amen #strong #fightingthis