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Guilt and Trouble Finding Love With A Chronic Illness
After watching Five Feet Apart I have some things that resonate so deeply with me.
I’ve yet to see people around me with chronic illnesses dive into the guilt and pain that comes with dating and trying to find love.
I am constantly finding myself thinking that no one could love a body so broken. No one could love someone so physically complex.
And the only people who understand what you go through are people who are also chronically ill. But how do you build a life with someone who is also sick? How do you take care of each other when you can hardly take care of yourself? When you both can’t work or can’t drive or can’t make a living, how do you survive with that relationship?
So I look for people who are able bodied and healthy, but they never really get what it’s like. It makes me feel so alone sometimes. How can I expect someone to love me like this? How can I place my burden upon them and be okay with that? How can I I place my medical bills, my appointments, my treatments, my pain, my lack of energy, my scars, my bruises, my wounds, my guilt, my mental breakdowns, my anxieties, my struggles and so much more on top of them? How do you share that with someone?! How do you live with putting your illnesses on top of someone else?
How can you expect someone not to walk away from that? It’s so much to handle most days I wonder how u handle it myself. And I remember it’s because I don’t have a choice.
I know there is someone out there, but until I meet them, how do I cope with that? A relationship with me is 20 times harder because of my health. It takes patience that even I don’t have most days.
Literally how can you expect someone to voluntarily watch you suffer. They would feel so helpless and so worried and have no way to help. I feel that way with my friends anyway. I would feel so bad giving that pain to someone else. Even if it was their choice.
How do you love a body that’s broken? How do you let someone love your broken body? How do you both deal with the pain? How do you share your pain? How is it even possible?
