My Generalized Anxiety Disorder Isn't a 'Negative' When It Comes to Dating

Navigating the emotional roller coaster of dating with a mental illness is not for the faint of heart. Begrudgingly, we muster up just enough courage to actually commit to going on a date, thanks to pep talks with our social supports. My friends are the absolute best at reassuring me when I’m conflicted.

“You’re the most amazing person I know. You’re going to find someone who loves you for who you are and would never try to change you. Don’t let your ex ruin dating for you,” they reassure me on a phone call while I’m en route to the coffee shop. Walking into the coffee shop, I scan my surroundings for his face. I don’t immediately see him, which triggers my anxiety.

What if he’s staring at me right now and I just don’t see him? Does he think I’m ditsy for not recognizing him? Please let him already be here and just be in the bathroom or something. But what if he hasn’t arrived yet? Am I supposed to wait for him to order, or order and pay for my own coffee? But if I pay for my own coffee, will he think that I’m a bra-burning, radical feminist who rages when males open doors for her? I mean, I’m definitely a feminist, don’t get me wrong, I just hold out on accepting chivalry is dead. 

After the dreaded “who pays for the coffee” part of the first date, the painstakingly mundane small talk ensues. I’ve literally heard it all. Am I exaggerating? No, I’m not. One of my dates told me he hoped I wasn’t a cryer because he was turned off by girls who cried. Another told me he had “no empathy.” One way I’ve learned to cope with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) on first dates is laughing when I feel uncomfortable or don’t know what to say. So, you have no empathy? Excellent, now I’m going to laugh about it until I start crying.

It’s even more challenging to be open about battling mental illness. One of my exes actually broke up with me in a text message (yes, a text message) because he needed to be with someone who was more of a “warrior,” instead of someone who “worries a lot.” The truth is, sometimes those of us with GAD are “too much” for some people. We worry too much, care too much, love too deeply and feel pain too deeply. But, is this truly a negative? I think not. I can’t even count on my fingers and toes how many times my exes have tried to come back into my life, claiming they needed someone to listen because nobody else listened as well as I did. I listen because I know what it’s like to feel misunderstood and unheard. Having GAD does not make us unlovable. It makes us complex and interesting. We’re highly intelligent and naturally analytical. We are prepared for the worst-case scenario, so we’re the ones you want to hang out with during an apocalypse.

It’s taken me 14 years riding the emotional roller coaster of dating before my boyfriend and I got together. Like me, he also battles mental illness. When one of us is struggling, we feel safe confiding in the other without being judged. Each day I come home to him, I know that I’m coming home to someone who loves and appreciates me, someone who also understands mental illness. When we are worried about something, we listen to one another and find a solution. We have communicated what triggers each of us so we avoid unknowingly hurting the other. I never felt entirely safe being myself in any relationship before ours. Anyone who tells you they never disagree with their significant other is probably lying. Our relationship isn’t perfect; it’s real and healthy. He says we are two perfectly imperfect people who are perfect for each other.

I don’t pretend to be a relationship expert, so I steer away from giving advice in that area. When it comes to holding out for something real and ending toxic relationships, I am (fortunately or unfortunately) an expert. Dating is frustrating, tiresome and messy. But with the right person, it’s safe, accepting and loving. Leaving an unhealthy relationship with someone who doesn’t attempt to understand mental illness can feel daunting. Trust me, I know. But, it’s what leads us to happiness. Regardless of what anyone may say, I know I am worthy of perfectly imperfect love by someone who cares enough to peel back the layers of complexity in order to understand my lovely mind.