Dear Danny: I'm Finally Stepping Off of Grief's Roller Coaster
Dear Danny,
In March it was nine years since I lost you. I know that is such a long time and things are so very different from when you were here, but I still find myself sobbing for you some nights.
There are so many things I wish you could have seen. If you had been able to fight your demons we could have survived 2020 with much more laughter and talking than I have done since you left.
I remember in health class how they tell you the stages of grief and the signs to look for when you switch stages. I can just picture 15-year-old me studying them so I could take the test on a Friday. No one warned me that grief has never seen the plan it is supposed to follow.
Some people skip stages, some people skip around and go back and forth, and some, like me, last years to get to different stages. Last year I finally dealt with the anger stage and I didn’t realize how truly furious at you I would become. You cost me so much, you changed my life so dramatically there is no way I could right the wrong that came from your loss. And believe me I have tried.
I can finally feel myself healing. I learned to celebrate the life you lead, use your anniversaries to have that fun I missed out on those first four years of missing you.
The fact that our relationship and our story is so unique is what has kept my grief so strong and frustrating. Nightmares of the last year of your life still find me when I forget and try to keep my grief inside.
Grief makes people forget the darker sides of their loved ones. But despite half of me remembering all the good and the incredible friendship we had, the other half of me remembers the fear, the hate, the depression.
I can only imagine the good you could have done in my life if suicide wasn’t your answer. So much lost, so many things you desperately would have wanted to be apart of. But you can’t. It is startling how one choice can affect so many lives.
At last I can feel myself stepping off of grief’s roller coaster. A seat for one finally left behind. Learning to talk about you was hard, but hearing other people’s stories of you, I devour each one and wish for thousands more to find me.
And here I am, reduced to writing letters you will never need. Each one fondly titled: Dear Danny.
Your best friend,
Tierra
Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash
I have dealt with pain for 17-almost 18 years already, passing the half-my-life-with-pain mark now being 29. It started with me being born with twisted leg bones followed by discovering this at the age of 13 after pain in my knees from my twisted bones grinding on them. 2 years later I had waist down reconstruction surgery. The left surgery went well. The right surgery did NOT. Epidural didn’t work (later finding out it was because of my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) and my nerves were rewired from the extreme pain via my bones being broken and twisted to straighten them. I was diagnosed with Amplified Musculoskeletal Pain Syndrome (AMPS) which was full body-extremely rare. I learned to ignore the pain so I could try and live a normal life, but it got so bad my hands no longer would work from the excruciating pain. I barely made it to graduation, failing my last quarter of school. Luckily my ranking was 4th so I still graduated with extreme pain and with help from others who had to write for me. Pretty quickly I was bed-bound and dreaming of hospitalization so I could have strong medication to ease my molecular deep ache. Severe Plantar Fasciitis kept me avoiding walking at many costs. Flash forward to 3 years later when I was miraculously healed over-night. I thought I was free and worked on gaining back all my muscles that were atrophied. But then my pain came back and began rising ever higher with many more complications taking over every bit of my body. I joined this site for freedom to express my struggle held deep inside for so long with a smile on my face and not even my family knowing what I went through. I never realized how glorious it was to be open and now I refuse to go back. My sense of peace demands to no longer have a fake smile on my face. I am now diagnosed with EDS, AMPS, Fibromyalgia, Hypothyroidism, Severe Insomnia, Asthma, Hypersomnia, Lymphedema, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, PTSD, Scoliosis, Sciatica, Bone and Shin Splints and recently promised that I will soon cross the line and be diagnosed with Juvenile Arthritis. It is SO freeing to know that the reason for all of my pain is because of my many overlapping diagnoses. I am currently working on filing for disability and have lost my dream of Interior Design to keep me warm. Also dealing with blisters covering my scalp and making it ridiculously tender with serious GERD and acid reflux problems due to the EDS. Constantly focusing on not throwing up each second is my new normal. Swallowing 10 times per first swallow is becoming habit. Psoriasis and Eczema now are hitting me harder than ever. I walk like a 96yr old woman and hurt so much worse. Only recently did my new rheumatologist pinpoint my last pain diagnoses as being Spine Arthritis, Psoriatic Arthritis, and RA. At long last I have found a home health company that save me pain and energy by coming to my house for appointments. It is ingenious and such a blessing! My new PCP is a brilliant and knowledgeable woman who actually cares for her patients! She wants us to live our best lives and works hard for it to be so. Thanks to her I now also have a pain doctor who CARES and is not afraid to help his patients live their most pain-free lives!!! He is SUCH a gem like her! It almost 18 years to find these blessed doctors. The biggest lesson I have learned is that my happiness is vital and if I have a doctor that isn't measuring up, drop them ASAP! Life is too short to suffer at the hands of others-especially when we are paying them to supposedly help us! It isn't worth it but YOU ARE! Finally in a place in my life where the future looks bright and I am excited for the challenges, as I know my health loves to constantly cause more pain and troubles like my Major Depressive Disorder, Psychosis, and Anxiety. I have been given a VERY complicated and Unique body that I choose to have as I know it better than anyone else. It is mine and we will learn to become a team though it may take a lifetime. I will never give up. No matter what I will fight on! Just as I have these long years, savoring each moment and smiling at each thing that lifts my burden a little. Life should be cherished, no matter how pain-filled. And with The Mighty at my ruined and failing finger-tips, I will carefully walk into the world with my shoulders back, face to the sun, and hope in my heart with a wish to lift a few fellow down-trodden. We got this!!!!
tierradrollinger23