Realizing I am in over my head
Still trying to figure out this app and how to get my posts seen, but now I have hashtags!
I feel very fragile today. I think that I might have had a flashback lastnight and I am trying to come to terms with this. They started around a year ago but I dont think the trauma that caused them is from then. Instead, it was probably retraumatization.
It was scary. I didnt know what was going on and my body was filled with adrenaline. I hope I never experience it again but I know that I will. Right now I am not in a place in my life where I can afford to have this happening to me, but it did anyways. It's scary as I am now very far from family and doubley scary because I realize they caused this. So, I am not sure they would help nowadays.
I dont usually feel sorry for myself but I do right now. I am in a hole of insecurity and distrust towards the world because the retraumatizing event that catalyzed these fearful experiences also made me loathe others. Before lastnight I had begun to come to terms with the fact that I dont trust my family anymore, and it may have had something to do with the ease with which I felt this event lastnight. It is possible that most of my life I had found ways to avoid these feelings internally, or experience them in some alternative fashion, and now they are in full bloom for me to deal with at this moment.
My head was spinning and aching at the same time, my mouth ran dry and I felt surrounded on all sides. It felt like I was being attacked by my own body and I couldn't stop thinking about the innocuous stimulus that caused this. It grew to a shocking intensity and over 3 to 5 hours began to settle after I took some benadryl to sleep. Then, in the middle of my sleeping I felt it again and thank God that it was less bad this time. I had nightmares all night and they were filled with this combination of loneliness, fear, and abject failure.
As I woke up I heard what my dreams were telling me in the night and the dream-people who tortured me said they didnt realize I was such a weak failure. Since it was right on the edge of my dreaming and awakeness it stuck with me. The thing I am calling a flashback, I am not totally sure as I am no expert, dragged on in the form of mildly shaking, more fear, self hatred, and thoughts spiraling out of control. As this awful thing kept rolling and I kept accidentally spurring it on by reminding myself of the triggering stimulus, I finally realized it was this thing I had also experienced months ago.
It makes a lot of sense now, if these things I have begun experiencing are flashbacks. The worst of them all so far was about a year ago now. I was so afraid that my legs picked me up and walked me to another location, a park. It was very dream-like and I remember watching myself walk under not-my own control, shocked by what was happening. The fear I felt that day was monumental, so much so that I was in more of a dissociated state rather than what happened lastnight.
I have not felt right all day and I am glad in some sense that it was the weekend. It ruined my Sunday, but that's a small price to pay to get a day to recover. I found this app because I had to call a crisis line today sometime after I woke up. I didnt know what to do and felt very alone in the world. If anyone read this up to this sentence I appreciate it! It has been a surprisingly hard day and I feel very fragile like I just had surgery, which is not how I am used to feeling.
This sudden realization that I am not invulnerable is a good thing and a bad thing. My parents, who I believe also have deep traumas, never act vulnerable. Maybe their way of dealing with trauma is shedding from me like a dead, thick skin and I can face whatever causes this in me, unlike them.
Have a good day, please.