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Grief Swallowed Me Whole and Spit Me Back Out

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

Grief had swallowed me whole and spit me back out. I was a mess and I had become comfortable dedicating my life to living this way, because I thought I deserved it. December 2021 marked three years since my son hasn’t been here with me in this world.

From the day he passed, I lost myself without him here. I wasn’t his mom anymore, so I kept questioning who am I really? My life consists of pulling myself from a dark hole each day as I wake up from my 1,095th consecutive sleepless night. I couldn’t catch up on anything in my life, I felt like a failure every day. I was in a place of survival and this sent me into a PTSD spiral. 

For a long time I was lost as I had to be a person in this world without my son in this world. I believed I deserved nothing because my body didn’t protect him while he was in my womb. Recently, I made the conscious decision to take my life back. Up until a few months ago, I was letting others control my decisions, letting one person’s bad opinion of me control how I saw myself, and letting a stressful job make me think I didn’t deserve to live in this world. I lost control after losing my son, and it got to the point I didn’t think I deserved to walk in this world and I should meet my son on the other side.

The author curled up in a ball

One day I woke up and was tired of the sadness cloud that followed me. After making some positive life changes that left me jobless for two weeks, I realized I deserve happiness and I deserve life. I was allowing people who were programmed to misunderstand me control my life. I was allowing negative moments be an indicator that I didn’t deserve to live. My son’s birthday came and went and I hadn’t smiled in a week, I couldn’t move off the couch, and I couldn’t think clear thoughts from my racing anxieties. I had muttered the sentence, “I don’t want to live anymore” for the forth time in one week. It was like something within me flipped a switch. I saw myself from the outside and I was horrified. I couldn’t keep on this way — something had to give, and I was the only person who could help myself. After this revelation, I finally started manifesting positive thoughts, speaking positivity to myself, and replaying good comments made to me in my mind. I realized I don’t have to live like this.

During this two-week reprieve from working, I found time to try to retrain my thoughts. After many pep talks I realized I could ignore and not obsess over someone’s negative thoughts of me. I truly have such a big heart and I needed to remember this and embrace it in my future endeavors.

Honesty, I was at rock bottom for almost three years. I finally believed the statement I had heard so many times before, “Parker wouldn’t want me to live like this.” I always rolled my eyes at this statement made by family and friends, especially from people who truly didn’t understand. I now realize it’s OK to let positivity and light back into your world. It’s OK to see yourself positivity and just because a few people aren’t on your team, it doesn’t have to change your mission and how you see yourself.

I hope grieving mothers or women who feel like they have hit rock bottom can also find the strength to take their lives back, and realize they deserve light and sunshine. Please know you are good, you are worthy, and you are amazing.

Originally published: January 19, 2022
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