today was a good day. i laughed today. i cried because i was happy. i’ve been off antidepressants for one week (everyday before today was awful and i was hardly, if at all, functional) now and will be starting CBD tomorrow. i am nervous but thrilled to try something nonprescription for the first time in my life.
a few days ago i admitted to my fiancée that i had slept with my best friend, who is another woman. i have never slept with another woman before and i never intended for it to happen. we were drinking. not that drinking excuses what happened, but it’s what happened. i felt dirty. taken advantage of. humiliated. guilty.
still, i felt better having admitted to the act. he believed i felt remorse for what happened and believed me when i promised that it would never happen again. without a doubt in his mind, he forgave me. i promised him that i would never hurt him again and i will hold that promise for the rest of our lives.
going through the withdrawals of coming off the medication were truly some of the worst feelings i can say i’ve ever had. i went from smiling and laughing to literally crying, screaming and throwing things within what seems like milliseconds. i was assured by my primary doctor that i am not bipolar as i do not fit the criteria. i was scared he was going to tell me i was because my stepdad is manic bipolar and he spent a great deal of my childhood and teenage years abusing me and loving me. i understand that he is sick, but i’ll never understand why he did the things he did to me. i am someone that forgives too easily, but i will never, never forgive him for what he did.
i was petrified of being alone in a room with my own thoughts when i first went off my meds because i was truly afraid that my thoughts were going to drive me to suicide because i truly didn’t want to feel the things i felt anymore. i wanted out. so bad. i felt like i was suffocating for the past six days. between the vertigo, the migraines, and the heavy weight on my chest, i just wanted to quit. just quit it all. i wanted to die and i wanted out so bad.
but today was a good day. i laughed for the first time in six days. today i didn’t feel like death was my only escape from the hell in my head.
today was a good day. and i hope tomorrow brings another good day. #today #Todaywasagoodday #ilived