I have Gratuitous amounts of things to Be ashamed of, embarrassed of, and hate about myself. I could if I wanted to sit and think about all the worst parts of who I was everyday. That's not going to help me grow. I am a better person now, but one thing I still struggle with is getting out of my own way. I am my biggest critic, my worst enemy, my hardest hurdle.
However, I am also my source of solitude, my best friend, my biggest fan. That is, if I allow myself to be. I can be stubborn and like an immovable force sometimes, but today I'm choosing to get out of my own way. #today I #choose me. Today, I begin to #forgive myself and #remember how far I've come.
Something truly lovely, and magestic for today..My husband and I are here this weekend, celebrating my Birthday next week..♥️With all this beauty surrounding us I am so happy, content and at peace today..😌
Yesterday, I decided to rearrange my room after a #DepressiveEpisode of about a week. Yesterday, when I woke up, I had energy, motivation, determination. This scared me. Still is because I did the same thing today. Woke up, put up laundry, made coffee, and the days just begun.
Why am I scared of productivity?
Perhaps it's because I'm only used to being productive when I'm #Manic . That worries me because I know i need to keep up the pace or at least keep taking one step forward in spite of my #Depression .
However, i have to remember that thats not always the case. Sometimes sure, but sometimes it's just because I've been taking better care of myself. It may be because of the little steps I've taken that has helped me get to this point. Perhaps it's simply because I haven't forgotten my meds in a while. Regardless of the why, I have to remind myself that I have the gas in the tank to go at least a mile today. That the energy I have won't be wasted on facebook or the like. That mentally, I'm #Stronger than I've ever been.
So, for #today , I will be kind to myself. I will alow myself to work AND rest as I can. I will be strong. #strongerthandepression and #StrongerThanBipolar . I will remember just who I am and fall in love with myself over and over again until it becomes habitual. I will remember that I am #morethandepression and #morethanbipolar . I am worthy of a tidy space to live. I am worthy of the love I give. #iamworthy
#today I was scheduled to see my psychiatrist at 3:40pm but I showed up at 4:30pm, 30 minutes before the clinic closed. I was disoriented, embarrassed, angry, and frustrated. I have been diagnosed as bipolar with psychotic features and for the last week or so I've been feeling disconnected with the world. I've experienced full blown psychosis about two years ago and now it seems that the spiral is beginning again. I feel so lost right now. I'm forgetting things and my concentration is off. My anxiety is at its peak because I have to wait until tomorrow to reschedule an appointment and talk to my therapist. my mom called to check how my appointment went. I told her what happened and she seemed like she didn't sympathize with me by saying she didn't understand since I'm taking my meds and talking to a therapist and all. She said that she knows of other people/celebrities who manage their bipolar symptoms well and that my struggles confuse her. Right when she said that I wanted to tear into her but I cut the conversation short stating I'm going to do the only thing I can which is get another appointment and talk with my therapist. I'm glad I cut the Convo short because I had so much anger and frustration and may have said something I would regret. Times like this I wish I didn't have this condition and everything seems to suck all around me.
Geez, I am so frustrated. Sick of doctors, sick of meds, sick of being a freaking test subject. I know my body, and something is going on but I feel like no one is listening to me. Then you read about misdiagnosed people, they keep saying COVID this and COVID that, then bam, smack, boom it wasn’t COVID at all it was stage one million cancer. Ugh!!! I guess the (Melge) my name for fibromyalgia is literal pain in the ass. And here we go!!! Let’s do this!!! #today