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Yesterday I was a mess! Overwhelmed and melting. Today was the complete opposite. I’ve been into this book that I’ve had over 30 days and I’m just now starting to read and it’s helping a lot with taking my mind off of things that I have been struggling with. It is also helping me with some issues I’ve been having in my Love life pretty neat right?! Freeing two birds with one key❤️

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today was a good day.

today was a good day. i laughed today. i cried because i was happy. i’ve been off antidepressants for one week (everyday before today was awful and i was hardly, if at all, functional) now and will be starting CBD tomorrow. i am nervous but thrilled to try something nonprescription for the first time in my life.
a few days ago i admitted to my fiancée that i had slept with my best friend, who is another woman. i have never slept with another woman before and i never intended for it to happen. we were drinking. not that drinking excuses what happened, but it’s what happened. i felt dirty. taken advantage of. humiliated. guilty.
still, i felt better having admitted to the act. he believed i felt remorse for what happened and believed me when i promised that it would never happen again. without a doubt in his mind, he forgave me. i promised him that i would never hurt him again and i will hold that promise for the rest of our lives.
going through the withdrawals of coming off the medication were truly some of the worst feelings i can say i’ve ever had. i went from smiling and laughing to literally crying, screaming and throwing things within what seems like milliseconds. i was assured by my primary doctor that i am not bipolar as i do not fit the criteria. i was scared he was going to tell me i was because my stepdad is manic bipolar and he spent a great deal of my childhood and teenage years abusing me and loving me. i understand that he is sick, but i’ll never understand why he did the things he did to me. i am someone that forgives too easily, but i will never, never forgive him for what he did.
i was petrified of being alone in a room with my own thoughts when i first went off my meds because i was truly afraid that my thoughts were going to drive me to suicide because i truly didn’t want to feel the things i felt anymore. i wanted out. so bad. i felt like i was suffocating for the past six days. between the vertigo, the migraines, and the heavy weight on my chest, i just wanted to quit. just quit it all. i wanted to die and i wanted out so bad.
but today was a good day. i laughed for the first time in six days. today i didn’t feel like death was my only escape from the hell in my head.
today was a good day. and i hope tomorrow brings another good day. #today #Todaywasagoodday #ilived


Got my diagnosis today

There is a certain, tiny part of me rejoicing that I finally have an official dx. It was the same small feeling of relief & joy when my kids got their diagnoses. Like, “ok, finally. It is real.” Then there is a part of me saying, “more? Really?”

We adopted 2 kids(not related) from Russian orphanages in October 2004. I knew our 2 year old daughter had fetal alcohol syndrome. She was only 15.5 pounds & 27” tall! Our 8 month old son was 18 pounds & 24”! He was a slug but quickly learned to crawl, then walk, then spin & head bang. He has autism. Our daughter went to kindergarten in 12 month clothes, taken in so they fit! Other Dax’s are PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc, etc. They are now teens, good teens with only small rebellion times!

I had brain surgery in March 2009 to remove a slow growing, benign inner ear tumor. I am single sided deaf. My “good” ear is losing hearing. It is now at moderate-severe loss. Brain surgery also left me very unsteady, I feel like I walk on jello on good days.

Now I have dx’s of fibromyalgia, acoustic neuroma, chronic fatigue, sad (single sided deaf), vertigo, visual auras.

#ssd #Singlesideddeaf #Fibromyalgia #Multiplediagnoses #Pain #newdiagnosis #CFS #Todaywasagoodday