The relentless worrying about my heart, my health. Guilt over all of the medical bills I’ve caused. Stuck in a loop of hell. Fear of what will happen to my kids. The depression and anxiety are so, so bad. A psychiatrist that does nothing-why do I spend my time and money to see her? She sees me suffering. Why won’t she do something? Won’t prescribe Xanax-says it’s addictive. Wants me on another heavy duty drug-seroquel, I believe. A partner who just can’t, or just won’t “get” it…and who becomes angry and defensive when I need him the most. Calling the hotline. Nobody can help me-apparently I can’t help myself. And the loneliness. The only thing worse than being all alone, is being alone in a place you’re supposed to feel emotionally safe. I can’t see how I can continue existing like this. I had to put this somewhere. I’m sorry if you read this and became upset.