Today, early in the morning, I had a dream—a dream so blissful that it felt like a slice of heaven. But it wasn’t pristine white, nor was it a place free of worries. It wasn’t some perfect paradise devoid of sin. Instead, it was my paradise. It was filled with small joys, the kind of mundane worries that give life meaning. It felt real. I loved it so much. It was so lovely. And yet, as dreams often are, it was fleeting. When I woke, the weight of reality crushed me once again. This empty life—empty not in the freeing sense, but in the suffocating one—was there waiting for me.

For a long time, perhaps even now, I’ve been desperate to end it all. To escape. To leave behind the pain, even if it means taking the regret along with me. I regret it all—the unlived moments, the joys I longed for and never tasted. Yet, I keep asking myself: do I even have a choice? Death feels like the only way out. I know what comes after such a choice—I know where such a sin leads. Hell.

But I keep hoping. Hoping for someone, Mi Amor, to help me escape. Hoping to find something—anything—that resembles the mundane life I desire so badly. A normal life, mundane in all the ways that make it beautiful. But deep down, I wonder if I even deserve that. Isn’t it clear by now that I’m not meant for this world? That I can’t hold on to anything? That I’m doomed to suffer, to only dream of luxury and peace while carrying the weight of this reality?

It feels like the Ten of Swords in tarot—a card that speaks of unavoidable endings, of burdens too heavy to endure. Why must this suffering continue? Why can’t I find peace, even in death? I long for an easy, gentle passing—but I’m too much of a coward to take it. Am I weak for wanting both—to live and to die? To escape and to stay? I don’t know what I want anymore.

All I know is this: I dream of sanctuary, of finding something mundane and safe, far away from the worries that haunt my waking life. I want to let it all go. I offer my body, mind, and soul—the parts of me that have been claimed over and over again. Take them once more and let me drift away. I can’t face this reality. The truth of it is too much to bear.

Call me a coward if you like—I don't care. Let the world think of me that way. It matters only that you, the one who truly knows me, understand just how much I have endured. May death finally claim me, and with it, may I find an end to this unbearable weight... #MentalHealth #hopelessness #DreamsVsReality #TenOfSwords #CopingWithPain #InnerStruggles #LifeAndDeath #SeekingPeace #healingjourney #DreamOfSanctuary #EmotionalWeight