hopelessness

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    Powerless

    I recently joined 'reddit' and posted a comment on a self harm scar. My comment was insensitive and I will not repeat it here. It was the reply that I received which really opened my eyes to my own trauma.

    The reply from the "redditor" was "I am sorry you are feeling powerless over your own body". I never thought about it this way. I know one thing for sure. The trauma took something away from me that day. It took my confidence and my care free attitude and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

    I want that happy go lucky kid back. The other side of the argument is finally growing up and entering the 'real world'. It could be a combination of both although I consider it was mostly my poor decisions catching up with me.

    12 long years have passed since I was assaulted and time has done little to heal the pain. I am just as angry and grief stricken as the day the incident occurred. I was not in control of the situation and maybe this is why I feel the way that I do?

    Revenge plays on my mind a lot and I catch myself drifting in and out of seeking vengeance. I have medication which temporarily assists in levelling my emotions and focusing on the here and now.

    My mind will play tricks on me from time to time; starting me off on a road of revenge only to lead me to grief and misery. I am of the belief that revenge will do little to heal my pain as the damage has well and truly been done.

    #power #powerless #MightyTogether #TheMighty #Friends #foes #Love #hate #betrayal #Depression #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Pain #suffering #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Scars #Trauma #Revenge #rut #despair #hopelessness #self #Selfesteem #Confidence #Happiness #Hope #pleasure #Healing #Recovery #Addiction #selfmedicate #Hope #Emotion #CPTSD #Grief #Survivor

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    Strength to those struggling right now #MentalHealth #BipolarDepression #Depression #hopelessness #Suicide

    Leonard Cohen: You Want it Darker (song)
    'A million candles burning for the help that never came'

    16 reactions 1 comment
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    Feeling Really Down

    I don’t have a lot to say right now. Can’t muster the strength. Feeling really depressed and hopeless about my life. #Depression #Anxiety #hopelessness

    49 reactions 14 comments
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    Struggling #hopelessness #ChronicPain #RelapsingPolychondritis #Neuropathy

    I'm in a bad way today. I feel worthless and invisible outside of my house. I found out today I am being passed over for a different job so a young man I helped get hired could have the job. I have worked there 11 years, him 8 months. This move could have helped me stay working longer as it was not as physically demanding. The only time friends and family call is if they need someone to listen. I'm feeling isolated. I suffer from anxiety, so of course I am imagining worst case scenario. I have an appointment Thursday for pain management, but I don't have high hopes. I do not elicit feelings of compassion from people. I am who I am. My window for getting things done gets shorter and shorter. I am rambling now. This life is hard; it has always been hard, will always be hard.

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    Different Reasons for Being Apathetic

    What Kind of Apathy Do You Have?

    It occurred to me that there are many causes for apathy, so I thought I would explore them here. If you think of any that I have not listed, please share!

    Apathy from a HEALTH ISSUE, as a symptom (depression, Huntington’s, Parkinson’s, schizophrenia, stroke, dementias, etc…)

    Apathy from a MEDICATION, as a side-effect (antidepressants, antipsychotics, and more…)

    Apathy from a BELIEF that everything is pointless because nothing matters OR because you will never be able to improve your situation

    Apathy from FEAR that there is no way out of your situation OR that you don’t deserve anything better OR that attempts to improve it will only make it worse

    Apathy from AVOIDANCE of a painful or toxic situation

    Apathy from chronic FATIGUE, because you just cannot find the energy to do anything

    #apathy #BipolarDepression #Depression #ChronicDepression #MajorDepression #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #SeasonalDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Fibromyalgia #Stroke #Dementia #hopelessness #Fatigue

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    Tell Someone You Struggle With Depression Without Saying “I’m Depressed”

    This might help others become better aware if we describe how and what we’re feeling ❤️

    #MentalHealth #Depression #ChronicDepression #ChronicIllness #Diabetes #DiabetesType1 #DiabetesType2 #PostpartumDepression #PTSD #truama #hopelessness #Support

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    Killing anxiety, depression, guilt and loneliness

    So I much rather wish killing them all rather than have them kill me. The devastation in my life and its brutal after effects that has become a constant has vaporized all my motivation, my sanity, my energy.There’s so much guilt and shame.worse at my age i’m also denied some comfort and reassurance of any siblings, kids and even from my extended family whom in any case i never much trusted to confide or share. Friends i have very few who remain mostly mute and distant. My partner was all i had before some vicious curse and blight incapacitated her physically forcing her to take the decision for separation. I failed her as a caregiver. if anyone here is empathetic, you could imagine the trauma such a turn of events could have on not just me but her too . But her physical frailties made her stoic and strong even as I buckled under sheer helplessness, guilt, shame and have been living in ignominy since. i still love her so much…miss her terribly and the overwhelming sense of abandoning her ( not that i abandoned her on my own volition but just had to give in to her ultimatum as she felt she deserved some respite from her misery where seeing a caregiver crumbling in his ability only made her feel worse 😢 and she felt she was setting me free.my pleadings, my protestations were to no avail…if ever poignancy could have be so cruel…it has to be this!) consumes my every living moment.

    Killing myself is a constant thought…want to. keeping myself alive i feel i will only be living in bad faith…But I also fear what if i fail even in death? For failing in life wasn’t bad enough, to fail in death leaving me physically debilitated would take away even the dignity of death 😣😭!

    nothing gives, no sense of self worth, even as I attempt to engage myself and move on but the sheer weight of the loss and in such humiliating circumstances overpowers me. Miss her, our dogs ( lovely, lovely souls who represented the best creation could offer 😢) the beautiful house we built in the hills from scratch with its charming garden and importantly the blissful moments of togetherness we shared before the devil had to sabotage it all!😣 Bad karma bad karma
    I so wish there could be someone to tell that it was not my fault, i did my best, i still have something to offer to someone if not the world…I remain cocooned afraid of the world, people even as some medicines from my shrink and some words of professional help keep me alive.
    I use these posts to pour my heart out…i seriously can’t share these on other social media platforms which is meant to celebrate self and life in all its narcissism. The (false) positivity that saturates life where people build images and narratives of constant bubble, froth animating their lives, where would such positively negative narratives like mine fit in? More so in which I seem to be the villain? Please help me folks and do send me vibes & prayers that are truly compassionate & heartfelt 🙏🏽 #suicidal #hopelessness #Grief #Trauma

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    Anyone up? It’s the wee hours.

    Just looking to swap some feelings or stories and fire up those different perspectives.
    Trying so hard, but everything in life feeling so desperately elusive.
    Anyone else up hopelessly toggling between denial and depression? #Jobloss #Fear #toomuch #Pain #hopelessness #whoami #BPD #panic #WhenThingsGoWrong #takingresponsibility #HeavyHeart

    3 comments
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    #CPTSD #dissociativedisorders #ADHD #SuicidalIdeation #hopelessness

    I’m applying to a complex trauma inpatient program. My therapist’s referral is going in early next week. I’m very heavily medicated on klonopin (I’m prescribed up to 3mg per day as of yesterday but I haven’t taken that much yet, I’m trying to stay below max allowed dose.) My NPP reduced my Adderall by 10mg which helps a little because it was too much when I’m not in full time school, and I felt cracked out or what I imagine that would feel like, since I’ve never done hard drugs.
    When the anxiety meds are working I feel almost normal like nothing is wrong but I’m cognitively unable to remember the most basic things and there are huge gaps in my memory of today and all the past few weeks. I don’t know if it’s the klonopin or if I’ve started losing time when I switch.
    I am so scared that my life will just crumble to pieces if I go away for a month. I’m afraid my safe parents or my sister will get the delta variant and die and I’ll never get to say goodbye. I’m afraid of what my biological parents will say when they get the insurance bill from a complex trauma program. (They’re pretty good about paying for things a lot of the time, but there’s still some financial abuse still going on and they control my medical insurance.) They believe and have always believed that I have medical PTSD from a surgery when I was a baby. I have never had a single flashback or nightmare about medical trauma. They refuse to even consider their many roles in my CPTSD. Me going to a CPTSD hospital for ~28 days is going to be a shock for them and I have zero financial means to pay for it myself, and they control my finances for the most part. (Again, I’m considered a vulnerable adult and financial abuse is still going on.) I would rather just muddle along than deal with all this garbage, but my safe mom said she’s afraid if I stay here I’ll kill myself and won’t ever have the future that she thinks I deserve and can have. She said she’s approaching her limit and she’s not my biological mom so she doesn’t have to let me live with her. So I have to go. But I’m legitimately worried that something horrible is going to happen if I go and deal with all this mental garbage. I feel like a complete freak of nature/alternately robot and I can’t remember anything I say or do, let alone tell a coherent story. Sorry for rambling. Robotic impersonator of that_1_girl in distress.

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