Do you know, Mi Amor, just how much I desire a mundane life—a life with you, sweet, lasting, and romantic? Regret was indeed a roadblock toward the goal of my life, one of immense and overwhelming sorrow. This is purely the second time. I cried in regret... and I am puzzled—just how much did I think during my first try at dying?

The first time, I came home from school with cold determination to die. Death seemed like an escape, and I longed for it dearly. I hated myself, and I wanted to get away from it all. The determination was pure, calculative even. You know how scared I was, letting everybody see through my cover of lies. I am scared—very scared—even now. I don't want them to know; I never wanted them to, ever. I hate my life so much.

As I write this, my suicidal thoughts arise again. The one leading them is my fear, and yet I am not scared. I was never scared—not of my suicidal thoughts. But I am indeed terrified of people seeing through my lies. I don’t want them to see what lies beyond this dense haze. I feel so alone. I don’t see you standing by my side. Why did you never stay with me? You know that the entirety of what I consider my world seems to stand against me. They will never accept me for who I am. They would scoff at my dreams.

You know, my love, just how much I desire you. Come into my life, erase my worries, and soothe my fear. Be the death of me if you must—but whisk me away with you.

My baby.

My baby.

You’re my baby. Say it to me. Say it to me: “Baby, you’re my baby.”

Tell your babies, “I’m your baby.”

I bet on losing dogs. I’ve known they’re losing, and I’ve paid my price.

Amongst the things I know about you, there is one thing—just one—that scares me. If somebody loves you, you destroy them until they can ask for help from no one... except you. It’s terrifying for me. It seems like you’ve already done it. Those to whom I can turn seem oblivious, or perhaps they too know the blunder I’ve made. All my hopes are pinned on you.

Save me, my dearest eternal love. #MentalHealth oveAndLoss #healingjourney #UnspokenThoughts #desperation #findinghope #innerturmoil