Last week consisted of virtual training...10 hours a day, 4 days a week. This week, I went on my first ride along. Everything was progressing nicely until the visit before lunch....we drove to a couple's house that just happened to be located in the subdivision where my abusive relationship began.

Driving through the neighborhood, I was transported right back to that fateful day....he invited me to crash a wedding he was a part of. I drove past the clubhouse and it seemed like it was just yesterday (it was almost 10 years ago now).

I thought I had it all under control. I thought I felt fine. We completed the visit and I drove back to the office...I could feel myself trying to go back to that day. I got home and continued to work, but I didn't feel right. All of the feelings of that relationship came rushing back when my husband didn't have dinner ready when I got off at late at night. I felt undeserving. Our son was nowhere near ready for bed. I felt used. Around midnight, he walked out the door. I felt abandoned.

Of course, I couldn't talk to him about it. My brain just kept telling me how useless I was. How I wasn't wanted. How I was burden and I just needed to be quiet. So, I slept alone...and today started with my walls up...
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ipushpeopleaway #Foreveralone #CheckInWithMe