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Why I'm Committed to 'Marrying' My Body After Years of Being Frustrated With It

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This morning I finished the season one finale of the show “Master of None.” I know I am late to the game with the show, but this is a good thing. For two years, I was averaging about two seasons of a show a day. Impressive, I know. Actually, at one point, my doctor prescribed me to watch a season of “Game of Thrones” and then we would discuss at the next visit. Obviously this was to keep me still during a harsh part of treatment, but television was a huge part of getting me better. It kept me still, it kept my mind focused on something other than pain and symptoms and it also taught me a lot. But I am getting off point here.

The last episode of the show was about marriage. How two becoming one is not an easy decision. How you go back and forth with loving and hating someone and some days wonder if it is even worth all of the work. Watching the show, I realized this is similar to my own relationship with my health. There are days when I love my body, when I feel like we totally get each other, then there are days, sometimes weeks when I cannot even look at myself in the mirror. There are moments when I disassociate myself and stare, bite my finger nails and scroll through my phone all day just so I can be anywhere but present with my body. There are moments when I just want to quit, I want to walk away, I want to divorce or break up with my body and never see it again.

This got me thinking. The main character in the show Dev and his girlfriend Rachel have a falling out and the season ends with him going to Italy and her going to Japan. Two amazing people who are perfect for one another just walk away. They each think that because there are parts of each other they cannot stand, that they are not a good fit. It’s a miscommunication and for them it seems like it is too much work to piece it all together again, so they just go their own ways. I have a feeling this was a cliff hanger and season two will pick up with a happier note, but it is strange the lessons we can learn by observing others and seeing their own mistakes in ourselves.

photo of a woman sitting outside with her dog

After absorbing the small half hour episode, I got to thinking. I realized that from now on, I want to listen to my own body more and even though most of the time it is not looking and feeling the healthiest, it is my body and it has gotten me this far. We have gone through so much together and even though it is not perfect, I am lucky to have a body that carries me through each day. I want to make a vow with my body that in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, I will be there for it. I will try to listen more, to rest instead of push and to tell myself more that I am proud of all the work we have done.

The last four years of treatment, I have been rather harsh. I downright hate my body some days. I get frustrated that my legs are like wet noodles when I want to walk, that a medication causes a full body rash or that as a woman, I will never have children. But I never mention the amazing things it can do. I focus on the bad and never the good, and that I want to change. I want to marry my body and I vow to take care of it from this point on.

Getting to this point of unity, of commitment, of marriage with my body has not been easy. Sometimes to see what we love, we have to hate. We have to analyze and go through moments that seem to almost test our strength. Those moments though are lessons we will carry on with for the rest of our lives. My body has not been good to me at times, and in return I have not been good back to it, but the more I heal, the more I feel we can be into this together. Here is to many more years on this journey we call life together.

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Originally published: November 10, 2017
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