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I’m Not Stuck, I Live With Depression

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I’ve been depressed for 25 years. At the beginning, I believed that there was a cure. If not a cure, at least effective treatment. For a lot of people, this may be the case. Many people, at the least, find relief. Some people manage to lead a semi-“normal” life. What even is a normal life?! Many people manage to function.

It never even occurred to me that this wouldn’t be the case for me. When I failed to “bounce back,” medical professionals said it was because “I wasn’t trying” or because “I didn’t want to get better.” I knew that wasn’t the case, so I didn’t believe it, however, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t improving. Why couldn’t I at least function? I did everything I was advised to do. I tried hospitalization, medication, therapy, self-healing, read every book, including clinician handbooks. I researched. I tried everything I could think of. Cue the helpful advice of those around me, advice I didn’t ask for. Or want, for that matter. “You’re just stuck.” “You got too comfortable being depressed.” “You must be getting some kind of payoff that encourages you to stay stuck.” Before I go on, if this is the kind of advice you give to people, please stop giving advice!

I’m not stuck. I live with depression. There is a difference. I’m not in a rut. This is my life. This is how I live. Every.Single.Day. Obviously I don’t want to. I’m not “too comfortable being depressed.” I’m not comfortable at all. Ever. Sure, some days are better. Some days I’ll get dressed in the morning and go out and get coffee. On those days, though, I probably won’t manage to brush my teeth or have breakfast. I might even go straight back to bed once I get home from getting coffee. There is always a trade off. I would love to have it all, who wouldn’t? But I don’t have it all and it’s not because I’m stuck, it’s because I live with depression.

Can you relate to Amelia? Let me know in the comments below.

Photo by Sinitta Leunen on Unsplash

Originally published: December 17, 2020
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