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How It Feels to Be Lost in the Cave of Mental Illness

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Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

I’m sad again today. My mind convinced me I should be.

My mind convinces me of many things. For instance, when it says, “You are not loved, you are not enough.”

My mind is a terrible cave, consumed by darkness and destruction. I want to crawl out from the cave, but it keeps pulling me back — back to my bed, where my body hurts just as much as my head.

“Out of everyone’s way,” my mind says. “They don’t need you,” it shouts. When my mind starts yelling, I shout and I curse. I don’t mean to, I really don’t. I really want to stop shouting and cursing, but my mind becomes so loud I need to let it out. I want to be in charge of my own happiness because that’s what mom suggests, but my mind says: “How can you be in charge of happiness when you can’t even be in charge of your life?”

I think my mind is right. It convinced me. Now I barely want to get out of bed. I don’t want to go out. My mind has convinced me of so many things that could happen if I do. My mind doesn’t want me to leave the cave. My mind says, if I do, it will be lonely and I can’t do that. My mind is my friend. It has convinced me. Who am I without my mind?

Now I make up excuses surrounding why I can’t go out, because even if I do I’ll have to convince everyone I’m having fun when I’m not. I’m good at faking. My mind says I can’t make friends because no one likes me. I believe it’s true, even my family treats me like an outcast.

My mind’s favorite thing is insomnia. It never shuts down. “End your life by suicide,” it says. “The world doesn’t need you.” I tell it to shut up, I beg it to stop, but it never does. It never stops. It hurts — it’s like thousands of knives are being stabbed in my heart. The more I die, the more I’m being resuscitated, and I’m back to reliving it over and over every day.

“Leave me alone,” I shout. “I want to stop hurting. Why doesn’t it go away?” My mind says it will only go away once I go away. Now I am numb.

But mind, you are not the boss of me. I choose to live!

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via klikk.

Originally published: April 19, 2017
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