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What It Really Means When I Say 'I'm Not That Girl Anymore'

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I’ve always heard that pain changes people, but I never truly understood that until recently. I mean of course pain would make people bitter, right? Is it the anger of the pain that makes them change? Or is it the sadness of the person they once were but can no longer return to?

I may be wrong, and maybe I still don’t understand what it truly means to have pain change you, but I know it does. I’m stuck between wondering if it’s anger I hold or sadness of the little girl who died inside of me.

Is it normal to feel nothing at all somedays but everything at once on others? Some days I feel anger at myself for letting it get this far and at others for not understanding. I feel sadness and guilt because I think I could have “fixed” my issues, but in the moment I wasn’t sure how.

It’s much easier to smile and say everything’s OK than to try to explain. Am I actually happy, or have I gotten so good at faking it that it feels normal? This smile is my mask. As long as I’m smiling no one will stop and ask, right?

I feel this anger because why can’t I go back to living carefree? Back to the little girl who didn’t have to fake a crooked smile. To the one who never cared about fitting in. The one who felt free running, like nothing could ever stop her. The one who felt like nothing could go wrong when she was around her love ones.

I feel this sadness because we all wanted to grow up so fast. When we were younger we never cared about race or the way others dressed. We never sat there and judged others for their differences, for who they were.

Now all I see is this constant hate. We live in this society that tends to push others down. We are suppose to fit in, and we’re told to be different, but boy when we stand out – who doesn’t laugh at us?

Pain has changed me into a girl that either cares too much or not at all. We allow hate and judge the paths others take. Will this pain that changed me leave when I feel comfortable about sharing it? Or will I just die with this question inside of me? Is this pain caused by the sadness or by the anger?

As humans we feel different emotions. Some are harder to express, and some are easy. We have all gone through some type of pain that changed us. I need to try to let it go, and understand it’s made me stronger, even though at times it makes me feel weak.

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Thinkstock photo by Umkehrer

Originally published: November 20, 2016
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