I Have Multiple Mental Illnesses – and These Are the Thoughts I Struggle With Daily

These are the types of thoughts I struggle with on a daily basis. No wonder I am so tired. The problem is I’m well aware they are untrue, but my mind will still conjure them up anyway, relentlessly trying to convince me they’re real.

Borderline Personality Disorder: People are just going to leave you. Reject them before they can reject you. You love this person. You hate this person. What are they hiding from you? Do they even really care about you? Sabotage everything good in your life! You don’t deserve it anyway. Do you even know who you are? You’re nobody. You’re just whatever you think people want you to be. You’re so unlovable. You’re a bad person, no wonder everyone hates you. You should just kill yourself.

Avoidant Personality Disorder/Social Anxiety: You’re going to say the wrong thing. They don’t like you. They’re judging you. You’ll just get criticized if you do that. You’re so inadequate, everyone else is better than you. You’re socially inept. Don’t even think about trying that, you’ll just embarrass yourself. They’re talking about you behind your back. You can’t even make eye contact with a cashier. Why are you so awkward?

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: What if you lose your job tomorrow? What if your boyfriend cheats on you or leaves you? What if your friends actually hate you? What if your loved ones die? What if you lose your independence when you’re older and can’t look after yourself? What if you die? What if you get in a car accident on the way home from work today? When are you going to die? How are you going to die? Where will you be in 10 years? Will you be homeless or in jail? What about that super embarrassing thing you said four years ago?

ADHD: Oh shit, you forgot about that really important thing. Oh shit, you’re going to be late. Oh shit, you didn’t finish that thing you had to do. Oh shit, you didn’t follow through on that thing you promised. Oh shit, you’ve lost that other important thing. Oh shit, what did they say? Oh shit, you interrupted them and now they’re mad at you. Oh shit, you can’t sit still for much longer. Oh shit, what were you supposed to be focusing on? Oh shit, you shouldn’t have said that. Oh shit, you didn’t think before you acted. Oh shit, where did you spend all your money?

Body Dysmorphic Disorder: You are so unattractive. You’re too skinny, boys like girls with curves. You are too fat, men like thin women. Don’t leave the house without makeup. You look old. Look at that cellulite. You can’t compete with other women. You’re worthless. You’re not good enough or pretty enough. You’re past your prime. It’s all downhill from here. Look at those unsightly forehead wrinkles and frown lines. You’re too pale. You’re too tall. Your teeth are crooked. Your hooded eyelids are ugly. Your lips are too thin. Your nose is too big. You have no boobs. You need to have a flat stomach.

Here’s the thing — I’m very diligent about taking my medication and going to therapy, but this kind of negativity still dominates my thoughts all day, every day, no matter how hard I try to ignore it. I just wish people knew what’s going on in my head and realized I honestly can’t help but think these things. That’s what mental illness is. It’s scary and exhausting to be constantly fighting battles that I will sometimes lose, but with your support I can make it through.