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Shout Out to the Ones Who Never Leave While I Face Mental Illness

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Shout out to all the important people in my life. The ones who never left my side when it got rough. Who encouraged me to keep pushing through. The ones who most importantly loved me when I didn’t know how to love myself. I’m forever grateful. I love you all.

I pushed you away. There were many times where I didn’t realize it, but I wasn’t so nice. I didn’t know how to handle my frustrations so I took them out on you. Instead of giving an attitude back, you realized I was struggling with myself and that it had nothing to do with you. Many times I felt like a bother, but you would never let me push you away. More than once I’ve told you to leave me alone, but you called and texted me a thousand times until I answered. Thank you for never letting me push you away.

I thought my mind was giving up on me. I can’t count how many times I thought I was “going crazy.” I was scared, but I never admitted it. I didn’t realize then, but you knew. I felt like my body was giving up on me. I didn’t see the point of trying anymore. You reminded me over and over that I wasn’t “crazy.” I was only struggling and I would be happy again. My body was not giving up on me. It was fighting for my better days. Thank you for reminding me that my mind wasn’t giving up on me.

I didn’t feel worthy. There were many times when I didn’t see the accomplishment of small things. I wanted to be this flawless person, but that wasn’t possible. You told me that small steps were better than none — that I was doing extremely well for what I was going through. Thank you for telling me how much I was worth.

I didn’t feel enough. Not good enough. I felt like everyone was better than me. I didn’t feel smart enough. I didn’t feel pretty enough. I didn’t feel talented. Every day you told me I was enough. You never let me talk badly about myself. When I would talk about not being smart enough, you would tell me about all the important things I taught you. When I didn’t feel pretty enough, you would send me pictures of likes and comments on my social media page. If I dared say I wasn’t talented, you would get so mad at me and list everything I’ve accomplished, which I didn’t feel was much, but you wouldn’t let me believe it. Thank you for making me feel enough.

I wanted to give up. “I give up,” was something I said many times a day. You knew I didn’t want to really give up. I just wanted it to get easier. Thank you for pushing me. Thank you for never letting me give up.

I cried. I hate showing emotions — especially when I’m sad. You knew this about me, so when I cried you knew how hurt I was. Thank you for the many times you called back when I hung up on you, for running after me when I ran to the bathroom. You whipped every tear away and made me laugh so hard that I would cry again. Thank you for crying with me and buying me chocolate.

You made me laugh. There were days when I felt like I would never be happy again. Wow was I completely wrong. You made me laugh until it hurt, until tears were streaming down my face. Thank you for making me feel happy again.

Thank you for being my family, my friend, my support system. It is because of you that I never give up. I know if I fall, you will catch me. You know I would do all of the same things for you. I love you all.

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Thinkstock photo by Jacob Ammentorp Lund

Originally published: January 7, 2017
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