mentalilnesses

Remember retaliation should be the last alternative, Remember we have mental illnesses so most of us can be very creative and think outside of the box to maneuvers the situation in our favor. Also Remember that vintage terminology, sticks and stones, may break my bones, but words will, never hurt me. The other thing is as your walking away the other person looks very stupid talking to themselves and eventually they will be quiet. #whimp #BPD #mentalilnesses #creative

Since I remembered I feel I should share because I believe that talk about it therapy helps some . So when I was younger , we’ll I’m not sure what should happen I just know that inside of thinking that being safe was good I saw it as danger and me putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger was the safe and right thing to do and I just had to do right well I don’t understand how my brain or body would react but it was like I was willingly doing everything wrong , I have lit myself on fire , I tried shooting myself I have been behind the wheel of my car and floored the gas and not let go until I was brought back to reality or stopped by someone else I just don’t know how to discribe how it feels to want to hurt everything and take my own life just cause it feels like the right thing to do . I am struggling in my life and I felt I should share this about myself in case something happens at least some would have know that this was me . #ChronicPain #Depression #PTSD #mentalilnesses

As I was going up I saw family’s fighting I did as I was told since a young boy because I was afraid and I was told if I listened they would keep me safe . So I did as I was told back then .
As life went one I was given beer then marijuana then tobacco . Well I managed to stop using when I hit the 6th grade and my family had just moved back home from where dad was working. Within a couple years I was introduced to a guy as a friend basically to meet new friends and they gave me drugs and beer I was dumb and liked getting high because I felt normal and accepted but I wasn’t I was just making things worse for my self by 15 my mom stabbed my hand as I was blocking the knife she was trying to stab my eyes out with . I screamed an yell that what are doing mom stop look at the blood on my thumb mom and she turned and started stabbing holes in the wall I got dressed to leave an my older sibling walks in from work an she tells him to hold me hostage I had to fight to get away from him I ran away but my dad found me that night and took me back to her . Well not to many years after we moved back home again because we were out where dad worked and he moved around a lot well back home my dad kicked me out telling me he wanted nothing to do with me for me to get out his house I tried but was young an scared so I stayed and did my best to ignore the words an body language they throw my way , all I can say is things did not go well for me I don’t want to tell all that happened in this post because it’s to much . But in my late twenties my dad died I found a job I helped my mother she was sick and full of hate I tended to her for over ten years she gave me her house an asked me to take care of it an thanked me for helping her she died a couple years later I been alone in that house going on to years now and I fell so unwelcome I want to leave I hate hearing their voices softly talking about me coming from the tv that I’m not welcome on their territory that if I haven’t realized I’m starving and that the food I eat doesn’t actually go into my stomach unless I get up an work for it or do some to earn it . And for me to leave .
I’m struggling to deal with this and I don’t know what to do I can only say I’m still a bit scared but I am an adult an this house was givin to me by it owner yet I feel unwelcome!
I’m sorry I’m in pain my back an hip burn and ache an I just had two teeth pulled like on Wednesday maybe I just needed to vent I’m sorry I feel so useless like the things I have done in life were not good enough for me to use the currency that I have in life like I didn’t earn it like my work was no good I hate hearing these things and it hurts to get up and work now a days I am starting to hate myself and with all that has happened to me in my life hating myself is the last thing I need I hate that have had to fight more then once sto not put a hole in my head even though it felt so right to do just that all I wanted was to kill myself because I knew at that very moment it was the right thing to do . Ya know , I’m sorry I’m hurting inside an don’t have anyone to chat with . #ChronicPain #Depression #PTSD #mentalilnesses